There Is No Darkness in His Light

{this post is part of Five-Minute Friday at Lisa-Jo Baker}

How it works: Write on one word for five minutes. No editing. Then link up your post with the rest of the brave writers on Five-Minute Friday and encourage them by reading and commenting on what they’ve shared. {All the details for how to play along are here.}

Today’s word: Glue

{Go} 

In my tiny one-bedroom apartment in the heart of Boston, I fall onto my bed, sobbing and feeling untethered to anything that can anchor me to my life. It is Good Friday. I have been to the Tenebrae Service {Good Friday service} at Park Street Church and although it has moved me to tears in other times, that is not what brings me to tears now.

I sit in my darkened bedroom, the glow from the city lights casting shadows on the brick wall across from where I lean against my pillows, and I wonder where God is in all of this. I wonder what Jesus thinks of me right now, in this very moment. And I cry harder.

sometimes it is the darkness that reveals the Light

sometimes it is the darkness that reveals the Light

In the living room, he sits, frustrated and not understanding what has caused me to come so unglued. What has caused me to push him away and to fall into wracking sobs that allow me no speech except for the unspoken, garbled prayers to Jesus, to my Savior.

Please, Jesus, please, come and comfort me. Forgive me. Please, oh please, let me know that you are here and that you still love me.

In the living room, he paces and sighs, not coming in to comfort me because I’ve asked him to go. To leave me be. To let me be alone. To be alone with Jesus, if he’ll have me.

And in these lonely moments, deep and dark, I seek the Savior and his grace. I seek the mercy and unconditional love of his forgiveness and grace that will take my broken heart, and my brokenness, and piece it back together. Recreate it. Not mend it. Not glue it back together like a favorite vase or a cherished memento. But mend it in the only way it can be mended – eternally changed and fully hope-filled.

And that is when I see him. Not the man in the living room, but Jesus.

He comes into my small, messy bedroom in my small, messy apartment in my small, messy life. He sits down on the edge of my bed and there he looks upon me with the love of heaven. A love that is unknown on this side of eternity except in him.

The love I have sought in so many places, willing to pay so high a price for with this married man (one of many. oh, so many), Jesus offers me here and now, in this moment, in my wreck of a life that is filled with sobs and pain, for free.

For free.

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11 thoughts on “There Is No Darkness in His Light

  1. They say that you have to hit rock bottom before you can raise yourself up, it sounds like that night when you came unglued you hit your bottom and the hands of the Lord caught you and carried you through and now, through you He is sending His message of salvation and unconditional love. Thank you for sharing

    • judith heaney says:

      Marisa, thank you for taking time to read and to leave such a thoughtful comment.

      I completely agree with what you say about hitting rock bottom and this night was definitely that in many ways, but especially in my relationship with Jesus. This was a turning point it is indeed an opportunity now, from where I am, that I can share God’s incredible mercy, grace and message of redemption with others.

      I’m so glad you stopped by.

    • judith heaney says:

      Thank you for stopping by to read and comment.

      This was a powerful moment in my life in which the presence of Jesus was incredibly needed and incredibly real. And despite the guilt and shame that the moment held at the time, it has become an incredibly sacred memory for me because I saw him, felt him and knew him on a deeper level that night. And since.

    • judith heaney says:

      Holly, thank you for taking time to read and comment. And it is a glorious gift indeed; it still causes me to catch my breath when I stop and consider the immensity of his unconditional love and amazing grace.

      Blessings to you this Easter weekend.

  2. Thank you for sharing your heart and your story with us. It amazes me that Jesus is there for us- unconditionally. I am stopping by from Five Minute Friday. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

    • judith heaney says:

      Jolene, thank you for taking time to stop by and read and comment. I appreciate it. And I agree: I am continually amazed at the power and redemption in Jesus’ unconditional love for us.

      Blessings on this Easter weekend!

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