Have you ever felt desperate?
Desperate for something?
For something to change. For something to happen.
I have. In fact, it’s how I feel right now.
Desperate for a dream to take shape.
Desperate to discover my passion, my purpose, the direction I’m meant to travel.
Desperate for change.
Desperate for something that I cannot put words to, if that makes sense.
As I have reflected on and meditated on this deep sense of desperation, I have come to realize that what I am desperate for is something more than any of these things.
I am desperate for God.
As I have pursued living a life of abandon in which I surrender all of me to all of God, I have realized what an incredible and seemingly difficult challenge it is to surrender. To give up control and to give in to God.
My efforts to surrender are too often interrupted by my desires for the things of this world, the things I can see, hear, touch and experience. I am too often fueled by my need to create something, prove something, accomplish something. And while those are not bad things, they become a stumbling block if they overshadow God in my life.
In other words, I have realized how desperate I am for Him. For the One who created me. For the Author of my story and my faith and my dreams. This journey of surrender reminds me how much I need Jesus and how little I need the things that I tend to yearn for, that I tend to long for, that I tend to pour my time and energy and strength into.
Maybe that’s why I feel like I am not moving forward on my dreams or my vision.
Because lately I’ve found that when I focus on my dream, on trying to discern the specifics of my dream, I feel desperate. I feel behind. I feel like I am losing ground, not building my dream.
I feel desperate so much of the time.
Except when I spend time with Jesus.
Except when I read His Word.
Except when I soak in His presence and His promises and His thoughts.
Except when I delight in Him.
Except when I sit at His feet.
Except when I trade being Martha busy in the kitchen for being Mary who sits rapt in His life-giving Truths.
And then, I can breathe.
And then, I experience that peace that passes all understanding. Really experience it, deep into my soul and to the center of my bones.
And I am reluctant to lose that peace.
I am reluctant to leave His presence and lose myself in the busy and the building and the chasing and the world.
Does that make sense?
It’s starting to for me.
When I hold His Word in my hands and hide it in my heart, my desperation begins to fade, to lessen.
And I find that I crave Jesus. I yearn for Him in a way that I tend to yearn for accolades or attention or success.
And so I am thankful that I’ve been feeling desperate lately.
Because I’m finally learning the difference between desperation that comes from living in the world and desperation that comes from pursuing surrender and pursuing Jesus.