I want to go, but I don’t know where.

I want to go into the deep.

I want to go into the moment.

I want to go on the narrow path.

I want to go into the world.

I want to go out under the stars.

I want to go beyond where I think possible.

I want to go, but I don’t know where.

Have you ever felt that way? Felt like there is somewhere you need to go, but you’re not sure where? You feel drawn by whispers in your heart, by restlessness in your soul. Every corner that you turn is filled with anticipation, with expectation.

Perhaps that is how we were meant to live. To live with anticipation for each moment as if it were the only thing that matters. To go through the day with a deep sense of longing for life. Not just the surviving. Not just the resigning. But thriving. Giving into the deep longing for Life. For Truth.

Perhaps the restlessness is the invitation, the standing invitation from the Creator to live life with Him. Not to live for Him, but to live with Him. To live with radical, reckless faith and with abandon.

To live with abandon.

Abandoning pride.

Abandoning self: selfishness, self-centeredness, self-creation, self-importance.

Abandoning comfort.

Abandoning doubt, fear, I can’t, that’s impossible, that will never happen, there’s nothing I can do.

Abandoning my average story for the one He is writing.

To live with abandon by abandoning myself to Him: more of Him and less of me. But what does that even look like?

butterfly2I’m pretty sure that I have no idea. But I know that if I ask that question, earnestly ask that question of Jesus, He will show me. And maybe that’s why I’ve never really asked Him that question before. Maybe that’s why I’ve only half-heartedly asked Him, What do you want me to do? Maybe that’s why I’ve not sincerely asked Him, What are your plans for me?

That’s beyond ironic for me because one of my favorite verses is Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I’ll be honest. I’ve always made this verse about me, about my life, about the story I want to tell. I’ve made it about what Jesus is going to do for me, how he’s going to meet my needs and how he’s going to bless my dreams for my future. Never have I used this verse as a prayer, a prayer that will require me to submit all of me to all of Jesus: my will, my hopes, my dreams, my expectations, my wants, my needs. My life. My story.

I know in my heart that what he wants if all of me, but I have found an infinite number of ways to maintain pieces of my life for myself, keep them under my control. And, honestly, that isn’t good enough any longer. In fact, it’s mediocre. It’s average. It may be the greatest obstacle in my life, to my living a life worthy of the Gospel.

All of me. That’s pretty scary, isn’t it? I don’t get to keep my fingers death-gripped on even one small part of me.

I wonder what will happen when I boldly approach the Creator and ask Him: what are the plans you have for me? I’m about to find out because I’m tired of wanting to go and not knowing where. I’m ready to know.

Maybe you’ve been feeling like this, too. And, if you have, I’d love us to take this journey together. To jump in with abandon. Abandoning all of you in exchange for all of Him. I’d love to know what that looks like for you if you join me.

3-2-1….jump! My story starts now {okay, let’s call it a revision}.


9 thoughts on “My Story Starts Now

    1. Thank you for taking the time to read and leave a comment, Rick. They are hard words; hard words to live by, but I don’t think they are impossible, you know? Because God tells us that nothing is impossible for Him and I’m going to jump into that promise and let Him show me how possible it is.

  1. “I don’t get to keep my fingers death-gripped on even one small part of me.” This is my story. I so want to do it all on my own. Surrender and dependency have been my struggle for the majority of my life.

    1. I’m guessing we are not alone, David, in our struggle to surrender completely to Jesus. And it’s funny, isn’t it? Because I believe that my life will be so much more amazing if I just jump in – all of me.

      So, I’m going to see if I can do that one day at a time, starting today. And then, restarting every time I pull back.

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