forest 3Life and writing are not meshing for me right now.

It’s 8:30 and I’m exhausted and I haven’t written a word, I haven’t edited any words and honestly, I don’t have the mental energy to do either one.

Honestly, that’s probably because I’m angry as well as tired – not a good combination for writing or for living my life. And I’m feeling like this because I feel like I *need* to make something happen in my life.

Do you ever feel like that? Like if you don’t do the thing you’ve been dreaming about, if you don’t do that thing that makes you feel like you and that you strongly believe God gave you to do *right now,* you’re going to blow it?

And so I grit my teeth and I snarl at my computer because programs aren’t working correctly and I feel the tension of all this missed opportunity coursing through my veins. And I can feel it there – in the anger and the tears and the fear.

The fear. It’s pulsing through me and it’s chasing my thoughts around; it’s trying to convince me that I’m lost and that this is all there is to my life. Fear wants me to believe that it’s too late and it doesn’t matter and that I’m destined for nothing more than mediocrity and just getting by.

This warped view comes from living in the midst and losing sight of hope and truth.

You see, my days are long, so long and so filled with meeting needs and it’s a constant wrestling match in my heart and my mind, or maybe it’s a wrestling match *between* my heart and my mind.

There’s the side of my heart that knows that pouring into the lives of these two little girls is important, Kingdom-building work. But then there’s the writer and dreamer side of me, or maybe it’s the selfish me, or maybe it’s just the worn out me who feels like I’m missing the mark somehow.

And anger is easy, you know?

If I get angry, I don’t have to address what’s happening here in the midst. I don’t have to address the tension that builds between living and living well; between seeking God’s will and living in God’s will; between creating with words and creating a life.

And there it is: I am wrestling with creating with words and creating a life when, in fact, these two creative pursuits are intimately linked for me. Neither is more important. Neither is more worthy.

Even so, they are not ever on equal footing nor do they hold equal weight at any given moment. These two creative pursuits ebb and flow and tug at me and sometimes, like now, one must be set aside or pursued in the in-between.

Pursued in the midst.

I don’t know exactly what that looks like. But I know that I won’t find the answer with anger and it won’t be something simple; life is too complicated right now for that and the days much too long.

What I do know is that I can only discover it as I draw near to the heart of the One who gave me both creative pursuits. He who created me knows me and I believe He will direct my steps if I let Him.

Only if I let Him.

So, I’m breathing deep and breathing out prayers, prayers spilling over with desperate need for His presence because, yes, I am desperate for what only He can provide.

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4 thoughts on “Creating Life in the Midst

    1. God is definitely providing His presence and His peace. In fact, last night I was having a conversation with a friend and just as he was about to tell me to keep my eyes open for glimpses of God, I told him that I was praising God that my girls had fallen back to sleep despite the stuffy hotness of our central air-less circumstance; I told him that it felt like a glimpse of how God must feel when He comes to comfort me in my discomfort and restlessness (which is what I was providing for my girls in the darkness and the heat of the night).

  1. wow, thank you for being so honest and open. To read your blog post is to read my own thoughts! I know your feelings. All the uncertainty, the doubts and all the fears, and about if I should allow myself to write when I have so many obligations in my life. And what is God’s will in all this? So true that in all our struggles all we can do is to come to Him and pray. God bless you!

    1. Thank you, Mariane, for your words of encouragement. I’m glad that my words resonated with you because I think that the journey is that much easier knowing that we are not alone in our struggles. God is God in all my circumstances. Even so, I wrestle with who I am created to be (and even more with who I am without Him because I am so prone to stray from His presence and who I was before Him because I know that I did not use my time, talents and opportunities well during that time).

      May God bless you as you come to Him with your heart today.

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