Five-Minute Friday: Find. A single word prompt. Write without overthinking or editing. And go:

Sometimes I find myself shaking my fist at the circumstances of my life, which sometimes leads to my shaking my fist at God. As if what’s happening to me or my family is His fault. I know in my heart and in my soul that this isn’t true, but sometimes, in the moment, it makes me feel better.

what church often looks like with Asperger's
  what church often looks like with Asperger’s

But, only briefly.

Then, I find myself wrestling guilt rather than God.

And that’s worse, isn’t it? Because while God is big enough for my BIG feelings and my anger and my tantrums when life is serving me more than I can bear, guilt is all-consuming. It consumes me and my joy and my ability to respond in hope or faith or with any sense of rational logic.

Then, I find myself back to shaking my fist at life and the circumstances. And usually, this is when the tears come.

Because of course my anger isn’t really anger. It’s a safe place to hide hurt and pain and the grief of unmet expectations, expectations that haven’t lived up to what I planned.

So often, this is the case when I deal with my seven year old’s Asperger’s. And we’ve had some rough life patches lately. Nothing has gone according to any of our expectations, and there have been meltdowns and there have been hurt feelings for a seven year old who doesn’t know why she’s disappointed or why life isn’t going the way she thought.

And, in all of that mix, I fall apart in the late hours, after everyone else is asleep and I’m safe in the darkness.

Cast CaresBecause even the darkness is like light to my Father. I know He will find me here. He will meet me here, in the midst of my life and my pain.

And so it’s there, in the darkness, with my tears and my fears swirling around me, that He is provides me what I need more than anything: His presence. His presence that brings His assurance and hope and comfort and peace.

He is there.

He’s been there in every tear and every upset that’s led me to that moment and He’s there in the darkness when I needed to find a place to pour out my pain. He was there to catch every tear and to whisper hope, His hope, to my weary mama’s heart.

He is my refuge and my strength and I know that I don’t have to figure it out or have all the answers.

He is what I was looking for and hoping to find. And He is there. Again. Always.

Stop

(This post is part of Kate Motaung’s Five-minute Friday at Heading Home. She gives us a word and we write for five minutes. This week’s word: Find)

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6 thoughts on “You Find What You Look For

  1. Judith I am on the same road, maybe a little further up that road and I look back and am amazed at our small wins with our son who is now eleven. The meltdowns are less, the anxiety at the moment manageable but Aspergers throws us new challenges all the time. I have learn’t to trust in gods plan but sometimes the lessons are hard. I know I have learn’t many things about myself but most of all to embrace the unpredictability and do the best I can. I hope tomorrow brings some better moments. Kath.

    1. We need to rediscover our groove. We’ve had about three weeks of unexpected events (including having the central air system in our rental house go down and be replaced) that have disrupted the groove we’d established.

      We’re getting ready to start school on Monday, so I’m hoping that will help provide us a new routine and structure.

      And there are so many amazing things about this journey and I don’t want them overshadowed by the challenges; it’s about finding out how to make the challenges work to our benefit, right?

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