He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day (Psalm 91:4-5)
(46/365 Days of Fear Not)
Without the challenges and trials of this life, I’m pretty sure that I would become far more self-reliant than I already tend to be. It’s in my nature and it’s the part of my nature that I have to die to every day.
I’m a yankee from New England. Add to that the fact that I have a strong streak of Irish stubbornness and with more than a trace of my parents’ blue-collar work ethic and I’m pretty much prone to be self-sufficient. Unfortunately, this leaves little room for God to be my refuge, my strength or my dream builder.
Obviously, God knows this about me.
And so I’m thankful that He keeps me in check. I’m thankful that He reminds me how much I need Him.
He can do this with the God-given dreams and purpose that He plants in my heart.
He can do this with the unknowns of my circumstances.
He can do this with the upheaval of my marriage from its rut of ordinary.
And, He can do this with the recent diagnosis that my seven-year-old daughter has Level One Autism Spectrum Disorder (pretty much a diagnosis of Aspergers before they reframed the system of diagnosing Autism).
The learning curve of how to equip and empower my sweet girl is steep. And because of that, it can feel overwhelming.
For example, tonight I sat down to create a schedule of our day for tomorrow that includes only two main focus points that she needs related to this ASD as well as the Sensory Processing issues that she faces each day. As I looked at the notes on the page I found myself thinking, I have no idea how this is supposed to work.
But that isn’t a new thought for me and, honestly, I like the comfort of it, the comfort of not know how things are going to come together.
Really, I like the comfort of knowing that I don’t have to know how everything is supposed to work or how it’s going to work — dream building, my marriage, parenting, ASD diagnosis. Because this, this is where God steps in. This unknown is where God does more than I can possible ask or imagine or predict.
He knit her together in my womb. He created her. He designed her. He knows her gifts and talents and how amazing she is and will be.
And He knows the challenges she will face.
Right now, I know so little of any of that.
But, I know Him. He is my refuge and my strength. He is my dream builder and my miracle doer.
I know that I live in a broken and hurting world and that I am blessed with a purpose and a dream that can bring hope and healing to my small part of it. And I know that I am blessed to be the mama to two amazing little girls who will shine a light in this world in ways I have yet to even begin to realize.
But God knows.
He’s calling them just like He’s calling me.
I have the privilege of guiding them in discovering their gifts and their purpose.
And the most amazing part is that as I fulfill that part of my life and my calling as their mama and their dream shaper, I discover and uncover more of who God is calling me to be in this world.
Mostly, that involves being dependent on Him. Completely dependent on Him. Not self-reliant. Not self-sufficient.
Dependent. Because it is there, in my dependence on Him, that I am not afraid.
I sense His hand.
I trust His voice.
I lean on His understanding.
And I rejoice in the challenges and trials set before me because they draw me closer to Him.
Because His grace is sufficient for me, I will not be afraid.
Rather, I will strive to remain dependent.