When I was growing up and we were in math class, there was a strong focus on the importance of us doing math without the use of a calculator. The argument for this, as you probably know, was that clearly we wouldn’t have access to calculators everywhere we went. Oh, the irony, right? Now, while I think it’s important for us to know certain math-related elements, like knowing the multiplication tables where helpful, I am also perfectly fine with my teenagers pulling out their iPad calculators when we are doing our Consumer Math problems.
Given that we actually do have a calculator in our pockets now, I wonder if maybe we sometimes place too much priority on the idea of independence as we raise our children, even when they’re teenagers. Maybe it’s okay to embrace interdependence over independence for as long as they need. Perhaps we can let interdependence be the calculator we didn’t expect to have with us, you know? I mean, are any of us always truly independent if we don’t have to be? Maybe it’s my neurodivergent/autistic perspective, but there are plenty of times when I rely on someone else to help me with things I typically can do. In fact, just today, a friend asked me how she could support me this week, and, if she lived closer, we agreed it would definitely involve having her helping me cook and clean even though I am capable of doing these things myself. Most of the time.
Because let’s face it. There are plenty of times my independence is overwhelmed by circumstances or autistic burnout or any number of other things. Perhaps that’s why I am less concerned about where my teenagers fall on the scale of independence, even than they are at times. Of course, as the objective (mostly) outsider to their lives, I get to see the ways they are developing independence and the ways they move between interdependence and independence.
Those moments tend to remind me of the scene in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer between Hermey the Elf and Rudloph:
Hermey: But I don’t need anybody. I’m… I’m independent.
Rudolph: Yeah? Me, too. I’m…whatever you said. Independent.
After a couple of Christmas ornaments fall from a nearby tree, Hermey says: Hey, what do you say we both be independent together?
Having two teenagers who tend to be pretty close as siblings, I can see them heading off into independence together. After all, they both bring a unique skill set to the sibling partnership; to me, it’s a bit like the multigenerational family idea in which families share resources and responsibilities rather than shouldering them alone.
But even if that’s not the path they choose to travel, I do not tend to fret about what they can or can’t do because I have a front row seat to what they can do every day. I don’t always point out those moments or celebrate them with my teenagers, because honestly, I don’t want it to be a milestone marker in their minds. Development happens in its due course—I’ve seen it when they started crawling, rolling over, and walking, and I experienced it when they were ready for potty learning and weaning. We forced none of these things and I see no reason to start forcing things now.
These two incredible young women are so much more than milestones. I see their capacity ebb and flow, just like mine; some days they can tackle more than others, just like me. I witness their capable spirits and their creativity daily. I watch how they continue to hone their skills and abilities each day. May they come to see themselves as the amazingly clever, talented, and competent young women they already are. But, until they do, I am more than happy to remind them of their brilliance and giftedness.