If you’re a fan of Groucho Marx, the Looney Tunes character Foghorn Leghorn, or The Three Stooges, you are likely familiar with the sarcastic refrain, I resemble that remark. It’s a bit of a touché response acknowledging with a touch of humor that a criticism may actually apply to you. Rather than taking offense, there’s a humble nod that there may be a bit of truth in what was said. It’s a phrase said in jest, and, yet, for me, I tend to use it as a jumping off point for a bit of introspection and consideration of potential actual resemblances to what someone else may have witnessed in me (if that person is a good friend or close family member; complete strangers probably don’t have the sort of insight to provide such feedback).
Resemblance is something we tend to consider, isn’t it? I mean one of the things that happens when you have a baby is how instantly so many people will tell you that the baby looks like you or your spouse or is some combination of the two of you. Now what I find truly remarkable about this is that rarely have I been able to declare with any certainty who our girls resemble. In other words, I recognize neither myself nor my husband in either of their faces. Of course, I don’t think I have ever been able to recognize myself in either of my parents either. Until recently, anyway. These days, when I look in the mirror, I swear I’m staring into the face of my mother. That has yet to happen with either of my girls no matter how often someone says one of them looks like one or the other of us—truly, I don’t see it.
While I may not be able to recognize any physical resemblance between me and my girls, I recognize myself in them in other ways. I can spot my personality traits easily in either of our teenagers with barely any effort. I’d like to say that I see all of my best qualities in each of them, but that simply is not the case. In fact, more often than not, the things I tend to see in them that remind me of myself are the traits in me I am often working to address in my own life. That’s one of the things about parenting, though—it is like holding up a mirror before yourself showing you things that might need a bit of attention.
Mind you, none of this is meant to imply that my girls need me to reshape them in any way. I take it to mean that some of what I have modeled over the years in my imperfect humanness, they have absorbed along the way. Fortunately, those things are not nearly as deeply rooted in my teenagers as they are in me, and, as I continue to grow and change and transform, I believe they, too, will pick up on better ways of doing things. To all of our benefits, they have also managed to take on some of my better qualities and personality traits. Of course, like physical resemblances, some of their similarities likely are genetic and not merely modeled behaviors.
Actually, it’s kind of an interesting, even fun, experiment to see in what ways our kids, especially when they become teenagers, resemble us—in their thought patterns, in their behavior/responses to various circumstances, in their emotional landscape. In those ways, we get to be wise sages, sherpas, if you will, guiding our teenagers through the terrain of their Everests. We can share what worked or didn’t work for us in a friendship or romantic relationship or even when we were teenagers growing up and trying to navigate life with our own parents.
For me, I see variations of myself in each of our girls, and sometimes, like in the case of my sarcastic wit, I see myself in both of them at the same time. My youngest tends to have a way with words and pithy sayings, like me. My oldest teen tends to have a prolific creativity with her drawing and sometimes stories, and despite that I may wane a bit here and there, I see myself in her desire to create. Of course, I also see a glimpse of myself in my younger teen who has story idea followed by story idea followed by story idea and sometimes abandons all of them for periods of time. I’ve seen a bit of a hair trigger at times in either of them (though they are definitely outgrowing that more quickly than I ever did) and I’ve seen overflowing empathy and a heart for the marginalized in both of them in different ways.
Like physical development, personality and inward traits wax and wane, ebb and flow, and otherwise morph over time. No matter what, though, there is no denying these two amazing young women are my heart and soul, my mirror at times, the iron that sharpens me, and gifts that bring joy to my day. They resemble me in many positive ways and I look forward to seeing how that continues to shape them to influence the people and the world around them.
So, the next time you’re standing next to your teen, and someone tells you they resemble you, consider asking them if they have your eyes or your attitude? Do they have your smile or your sarcasm? Is it their hair color or their hair trigger? Whatever it happens to be, even if it’s that they see your stubbornness (which you can frame as tenacity) or they see your finesse, feel free to respond with that famous line from Foghorn Leghorn: I resemble that remark. Because more than likely, you do. At least in some way.