There is a popular meme that circles social media from time to time regarding making plans to attend and event or get together with friends on one day, usually when you’re feeling energetic and ready to take on the world, and, then, on the day of the actual event, the same person in the meme has pretty much experienced a complete reversal of their decision to participate in the planned event. For me, this popular meme is funny because it is indeed true for me. Committing to plans for me comes with a bit of trepidation, wondering if I’ll feel the same level of desire and commitment on the day of the actual event as I do in my anticipation of the event.
That’s why one of the things I love and that impresses me about our teenagers is their follow through on their plans. Even when they were younger, this was almost always the case for them. In fact, I remember the sense of uncertainty I felt each Halloween after the first attempts to do Halloween-related events—trick or treating or local Halloween strolls in the small Western North Carolina towns near where we lived—did not go very well at all for one or both girls.
I remember when we first moved to our current townhome neighborhood rental. It was early October and Halloween was approaching and I was thinking maybe we could find something other than trick or treating to do that night. For one thing, I had no idea whether our small cul-de-sac-style neighborhood even did trick or treating, and, for another thing, I wasn’t convinced trick or treating was a good idea if they did.
But, when I raised these uncertainties with my then 8.5 year old who is now 17, she shared her thoughts clearly and her words have stuck with me year after year as we have faced new opportunities and different challenging circumstances and events. She told me that while she recognized that previous attempts at trick or treating and Halloween things had not worked out well, she was determined to try again because, mama, I think it could be different this time. Who can say no to such wise words? Such beyond-her-years wisdom and insight?
Not this mama.
So, I decided we would try again. And, this time, I also decided we would do everything in our power to set up our girls for success. We practiced trick or treating in the house, knocking on the upstairs bedroom doors, practicing saying trick or treat, and practicing accepting candy with a thank you. Even more importantly, I talked to both girls about the candy they likely would receive during their trick or treating adventure because I had finally realized part of the previous challenge and subsequent lack of enjoyment stemmed from my girls’ disappointment with the candy choices they were provided. Realizing this, I explained to them multiple times that it didn’t matter what candy someone dropped into their little pumpkin buckets, they could trade out all candy they didn’t want when they got home for the candy I knew they really wanted.
That night of trick or treating was the best one we’d ever had.
I recalled that night again recently as my oldest considered whether or not to attend an upcoming teen gathering she has been attending the past four weeks. While I knew she really wanted to go to see one of the teens with whom she recently created a connection, I also wasn’t sure it was a good idea for her to attend due to some personal circumstances that might influence and impact her experience. Eventually, after giving it some genuine thought, she told me she was going to skip the meetup because it wasn’t lining up to be a positive experience.
While I realized how hard this decision had been for her, I was also incredibly impressed with and proud of her for coming to this conclusion. How could I not celebrate such maturity and growth? Her ability to recognize what she needed and was able to think through and articulate?
As my girls have moved through their teen years, I have loved watching the way they are able to consider their opportunities and options from different perspectives. Oh, how I deeply understand their uncertainty and their strong pull toward wanting to do a particular thing, participate in an event or create connections. But what I admire so much is their ability to determine how something might affect them. What I appreciate is their willingness to step out in bold confidence and then, if there is such a need, their ability and willingness to pivot, to change their mind and their direction.
I’m not sure they always see these moments as the successes they truly are, but I do. And, even more, I recognize they are building a strength they will need to advocate for themselves and continue making good choices for themselves. For their mental health and for where they might be in a given moment. As someone who struggled with this kind of self-advocacy, who also felt a sense of “having to” do things because someone else expected me to or because someone else might be disappointed in me or by me, I love that they are growing into strong, confident young women who are willing and able to make the difficult choices and honor themselves. Truly, these two remarkable young women have no idea how much I learn from them each day.