One of the most dangerous words in the English language seems innocuous enough, but, trust me, it’s a dangerous one: should. Despite its danger, I am fairly certain it’s a word many of use more regularly than we ought. And when we do, we use it to inflict some serious guilt and discomfort on ourselves. Seriously. Think about whether you’ve used this word today. Have you said any of the following things to yourself: I really should have… Or, perhaps you started statement after statement today with the words, I should…
In essence, what these words shuttle into our lives are guilt, regret, perceived missed opportunities, and fear of overlooked possibilities. But none of this is actually true; this is actually fear, regret, and shame. These are all tools wielded by the enemy of our hearts and souls who is out to grieve us, to make us think we are less than. They are tools to stop us in our tracks and make us think we have not done what we were intended to do. But, this is not where we need to focus our attention. This is not how we need to see ourselves or the opportunities laid out before us.
This is why I have come to embrace the truth and essence of the words, Don’t should all over yourself. And, these are words I have shared with my girls again and again. And again. Because I have been guilty of saying this to myself, which, in effect, is heaping hurtful, unkind words on myself. No one deserves that. No matter what, no one deserves that. In fact, that is the entirety of grace and mercy. So often—too often—we are too hard on ourselves. We flog ourselves with the things left undone. We weigh ourselves down with the idea of what we should have done over what we actually did.
Because I have lamented things I believed I was intended to do and didn’t, I am tuned into my girls’ similar laments. When the word, should seeps from their lips, I ready my words. First, I listen. But when they are weighed down by their ideas of what they believe they are supposed to do, I stand at the ready with the caution: don’t should all over yourself. The first time I introduced that turn of phrase, they giggled. When I returned to this idea, they became curious; what, exactly, did I mean? What was i telling them?
Clearly, the words invite a bit of laughter. And, yet, they are deeper, more serious, than they appear. Too often my girls pepper themselves, and me, with what they believe they should have done or should be able to do at this point in their lives. Too often I hear the shame and the guilt and the humiliation and the pain beneath their words; these are universal emotions and so it is my hope I can help my girls escape the heaviness of this experience.
Can we all do better? Certainly.
But, when we are doing our best, when we are focused on one area of life over another, we do not need to inundate our thoughts with ideas of what we should or could be doing. Rather, we do well to focus our energy in the direction we are currently focused, knowing that other areas (those areas of should and could among others) will benefit from our efforts. I hope and pray our girls will come to understand and see how their efforts matter. May they realize just how formidable they are, how resilient they are, and how remarkable they are as they work out the challenges set before them. Each step, each success, matters, and that is all that should matter when we consider who we are and what we are trying to do each day.