There are some phrases around parenting that I don’t understand and definitely do not subscribe to, mainly because I don’t see how they can possibly strengthen the relationship we want with our teenagers (or say we want or lament we don’t have with our teenagers). The first two that come to mind is that parents need to pick their battles or decide what hill they are willing to die upon when it comes to their kids, especially their teens; and the second is that simply because we are parents, our kids, especially our teens, owe us respect. But, here’s the thing, neither of these mindsets sets parents or teenagers up for any kind of success or creates healthy relationships.
If you’ve spent any time at all around my little space here on the Internet, you likely are aware that I am a proponent of gentle parenting and while some believe that translates into a lack of parenting or soft parenting (parenting without boundaries or natural consequences) or some other permissive parenting, gentle parenting is parenting that places the relationship at the center of parenting. How can I engage with my child, my teenager, in a way that preserves the relationships and doesn’t alienate that kid? This looks differently at each stage of development, but the general idea is that the relationship is important and I want to elevate that above a need for always having to be the “winner” in exchanges with my kid. That said, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that I have apologized to my kids. I have admitted when I was more wrong than right and I have modeled what it looks like to admit poor behavior or poor choices or making amends.
Even so, this morning, after listening to my oldest daughter, I told her in no uncertain terms I wasn’t going to let her words slide and I would fight with her for as long as it takes for her to understand what she needed to hear. You see, my girl thinks she needs to blend in with the world, the crowd, a group of teenagers, in order to be more accepted. Immediately and a little fiercely, I told her that was absolutely not something I will support ever and I will fight her on that every time she suggests it. I’m fairly certain I have said similar words to my younger teenager.
I’m not certain where this need to be accepted originates in each of us, but it is a strong and driving force in how we see things about ourselves, from the way we dress to the music we like to the activities we enjoy to the favorite things we carry with us when we leave the house (I’ve talked about my backpack full of just-in-case items I bring with me on just about every outing, even meeting a friend for breakfast when I know I likely won’t open any of the zipper compartments while we’re dining). Whatever the reason for this desire to be accepted, it’s the one area I tend to laser in on when I encourage my girls to be who they are created to be.
I don’t know if any of you are Queen fans, but we are (as the posts about their music and the Freddie Mercury biopic, Bohemian Rhapsody, easily attest to). Recently, I have adopted references to Freddie Mercury in conversations about boldly being who you are and not blending in or feeling a need to meet the expectations of others. My words these days focus on if Freddie Mercury had worried about how the world saw him or whether the critics and others liked him or his music, there likely would be no Queen. And he isn’t the only one whose name and pursuit I will invoke. There are artists and musicians and writers and scientists and inventors and everyday people who make a difference in this world because they refuse to listen to the inner critic who lies to them or to the popular crowds or naysayers who live lives of blending in.
While I will practice gentle parenting in every circumstance we face, I have told each of my daughters I won’t let that slide. I will not let them change who they are because who they are is both remarkable and wonderful. I get that meeting new folks and attending new groups stirs up doubts and causes us to question who we are; we’ve all been there. But the thing I want my girls to understand, what I am telling them in those moments of doubt, is that it’s not their job to make anyone like them or accept them. They need to accept themselves. Anyone else, if they don’t get us, if they don’t like us, if they “judge” us, that is a reflection on them not us.
Believe me, I realize this is a lifelong kind of journey, and I will be by their side cheering them on to see just how awesome they are. Not just because they are, but because like Freddie Mercury, they have something to bring into this world that we need and that will make a difference to others (whether one, ten, fifty or thousands). One day they will realize this, and, until they do, I will be more than happy to speak these truths into their lives.