Have you ever noticed that when we talk to a cute animal, whether a dog, cat, or other adorably-faced critter, our voices tend to go higher than normal? Or maybe that’s just me and my teenagers. Still, I have noticed that when we talk to an infant, we also tend to change not only the sound of our voice, whether higher or simply softer, but what we say. Back in the day (whatever day that was, I can’t say for certain), people referred to this as baby talk, and it described the simplistic way we opted to interact with babies when we talked to them. Then, at some point, experts suggested we would do better to speak to them in our regular voices and using our typical vocabulary because it would influence a baby’s ability to gain an understanding of language as well as the ability to talk.
These days, when it comes to my teenagers, I’ve realized I’m the one trying to gain a deeper understanding of their language so I can talk with them more easily. But, even more, so I can understand them in new and different ways because, let’s face it, every generation brings along its own slang, its own unique turns of phrases, its own way of describing the world. It helps me if I educate myself in these things so I can speak their language. The best way I’ve learned to do this is to, in the words of Aaron Burr in Hamilton, speak less, smile more; and, in this instance, for me, smiling more translates into listening more, and enjoying the opportunity to do so.
In the case of my teenagers, I am not referring only to their generation’s specific idioms and turns of phrases, I’m also focusing on their special interests—hair metal, dragons, memes, graphic novel subjects, cats, favorite musicians, whatever. While we all may realize the importance of listening or recognize that everyone, including our teens, want to be heard, sometimes we forget to tune into what our teenagers are actually trying to tell us. Conversations with our teenagers is like listening to a radio and it’s up to us to turn the dial and tune into the frequency to hear the channel as clearly as possible. We all know how frustrating it can be when a song comes on but the tuner is fuzzy and we cannot hear the song clearly.
Tuning into our teenagers works the same way.
I’ve also learned that I don’t have to understand every detail in order to be present with my teens or to have a conversation with them. In fact, it can feel a bit like being a baby all over again, listening to their stories and their thoughts and gaining understanding slowly and steadily. I don’t know as much about their favorite subjects as they do, but the more time I spend listening, tuning the dial of our conversations, the more understanding I acquire. But more than understanding, I want to listen. I want to hear what is stirring their hearts and souls to joy and delight. I want them to know what they’ve learned is important to me, so I invite them to share that with me. In other words, I make space for them and their interests. By doing this, I am able to speak more of their language each time.
A couple of years ago, I decided to jump into the Duolingo world in order to learn a second language. While I’ve been doing this for 1,262 days, I can assure you I am still quite the novice and feel in no way equipped to have a genuine conversation with any true Spanish-speaking folks. Even so, I am definitely better today than I was when I first started relearning Spanish, even if I still stumble through some lessons. I guess, you could say learning to speak my teenagers’ languages can feel similar. Still, they are willing to laugh along the way with me and they extend grace when I am not fully present (because my phone is in my hands and my mind is partly focused on the screen rather than wholly focused on what they’re telling me).
Personally, I like to view life as an adventure. I like to consider how the ordinary can be extraordinary and how the mundane can be part of a sacred path that draws me ever nearer to the woman, the writer, the mama, God is calling and shaping me to be. When we also see life with our teenagers in that same kind of light, when we consider the ways we get to learn new things through their interests and ideas and the journey they are on, life truly becomes the adventure many of us crave, that yearning for something more. When I look at these two remarkable young women, I definitely see so much more of that something more—more to learn, more to discover, more to laugh about, more to enjoy, and more opportunities to grow together. Just as long as I choose to tune in.