If I have learned anything in my almost 18 years as a parent, it’s that the best and most important thing I can do in any circumstance is to maintain my control because it’s the only control I have at any given moment. Obviously, I cannot influence situations or circumstances let alone control them. And absolutely I cannot control anyone else who is affected by or involved in a specific situation or event. Thus, the one superpower in my personal arsenal is my own self-control. And, quite honestly, that isn’t always the winningest gadget to have within reach, because, frankly, I could use a bit more practice with my wielding skills where self-control is concerned. But, it’s like steering a ship along the narrow passageways, you know? Steady as she goes.
No matter the situation we need to realize how much our attitude matters. Attitude affects how a situation affects us. Even more, it influences how others affect us. I have seen this in my life many times, and it is something I am trying to help my teenagers understand. Steady as she goes—find ways to steady your mind, your emotions, and tread with grace and assurance along the path.
Over the course of my years, especially as a parent in the face of a kid’s emotions, I have discovered a couple of mantras that help me with my attitude. For one thing, they remind me where to place my focus—on me. The first is pretty simple; but, remember, simple almost never indicates easy. Rather it defines the action as one that requires little to understand but likely calls for a lot, a whole lot of effort to execute. Like this mantra: it’s not personal.
I will confess, this one took me longer than I would like to admit to put into practice. It’s one of those sayings that I understand in principle, but the execution eluded me when faced with practical circumstances. More often than not, it was my husband who modeled this idea again and again, and, like I often say about how our children sometimes learn, eventually I caught on more and more. The words, it’s not personal definitely help here. Too often, we take our kids’, including and especially our teenagers, attitudes and words personally and I’ve realized more often than not it’s not. It’s a lack of ability to express in detail or expressive language what their brains and emotions are undergoing in an overwhelming moment (I’ve learned this more from my own inner landscapes and lack of expression in heightened moments than any other way).
Recently, I’ve had conversations with my oldest girl about the new hangout she’s been attending. Specifically, we’ve talked about ways to express yourself with others, especially when you want to stand up for yourself or a peer or address something someone else has said that may have come across unkindly. One of the other mantras I’ve developed for these situations is that relationships with other people are messy, and, in light of this, it’s important to assign positive intent. Again, like the previous mantra, this is simple, but it’s not always easy. Still, when I remind myself to approach other people with this in mind, I tend to be a little more grace-filled and even a bit kinder myself.
Let’s face it, moving through the world is messy business. Even so, I always have control over me—my thoughts, my words, my actions. In the words of Freddie Mercury’s dad and eventually Freddie himself from the film, Bohemian Rhapsody: Good thoughts, good words, good deeds, just like you taught me, Papa. If there is one thing I hope I am teaching my girls, it is that they can control their thoughts, words, and deeds. Just like the helmsman of a ship, we get to steer ourselves through the circumstances in which we find ourselves, always reminding ourselves, steady as she goes.
It is my hope I will model this for my girls, staying true to themselves and also letting that make a difference in the relationships they have with others, whether long-term, like friendships or with family, or in passing moments, like with a stranger in the checkout line or even another teen in a hangout group. My girls have helped me learn the importance of these words in new ways as they have grown from children to tweens to teens. Now, I get to watch as they, too, demonstrate these same qualities and abilities each time they navigate the world. Steady as she goes, my lovelies. Steady as she goes. We’ve got this.