I remember when our girls were younger, especially those early toddler years leading into their childhood years and all the questions. If you’re a parent, you also are probably familiar with this pivotal time in a child’s life: The Questioning Phase. It’s the time in their development when kids tend to question everything, and much of their questioning orbits around the need to know why. Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? Why can birds fly but cats can’t? Why do I have to do this thing? Why did you say that? Why, why, why, why.

Over the past week, as I scrolled through my Facebook memories, I came across a couple of posts documenting some early morning inquiries from my girls with an additional about needing a lot more coffee to respond to all of their questions and observations (I joined Facebook the year my oldest was born, so my parenting journey is pretty solidly chronicled in funny contemplations alongside lamentations of lack of sleep and not enough coffee). This Questioning Phase coincided with their morning lark phase, which made it doubly difficult on my early-morning, fuzzy mama brain at the time. But, we made it through.

For any parent who has made it through the gauntlet of toddler Whys and the seemingly endless related questions that start with any of the variations—who, what, when, and where—we feel like we’ve won a secret competition of sorts and we await our medals and accolades. Little do we know or even realize, that, for some of us, The Questioning Phase just may be a life-long phase. The questions continue, but their focus shifts. Fortunately, the questions feel less wearying. Perhaps it’s because the toddler-training years have provided us the stamina necessary for the tween and teen years, I can’t say for certain. All I know is that for us, there are still plenty of questions. And now they are mixed in with independent opinions, ideas, and even a dash of skepticism.

But, it’s all good.

I survived the early years, after all, which provided its own strong independent opinions and ideas, usually presented in ways along the lines of the emphatic, no, when asked to do something she didn’t want to do, or with the equally forceful, I do it myself (or its variations, including, not like that, or I don’t like that, or I don’t want to). In these moments, however, the response needed redirection, gentle guidance, and plenty of scripting (lather, rinse, repeat), to help our girls in their development of self and interdependent family members.

These days, there is more listening and greater opportunities for discussions and conversations. Because these days, it’s not about whether teeth will be brushed before or after putting on pajamas or if they want apple slices or strawberries (or both). These days the questions are deeper, more personal, and sincerely searching. The questions include what ifs and doubts. The questions focus on examinations of beliefs, learning self-acceptance, and understanding where and how they fit into the world. For me, my teens’ questions and the accompanying conversations that can span hours, even days or months, are echoes of my own questions and conversations with God. And, given His okayness with my questions and even my doubts (and skepticism when I was younger), I believe I can be equally open to my girls’ big and searching questions, even when their opinions and ideas are vastly different from mine and my husband’s.

But that’s part of the teenage journey. In fact, it’s part of the life journey we are all on, isn’t it? We get to wrestle with ideas and opinions and beliefs and unknowns and come to our own conclusions. And I want to provide whatever guidance and support in that process as I am able. One thing I know to be true, I can do that better if I am open to listening, truly and deeply listening and hearing what my teenagers are asking or saying in our on-going conversations about those big questions. It’s not my place to tell my girls what to think. It is my place to listen and to chime in when they ask my opinion. 

It can be difficult to feel challenged or hear something that isn’t what you think; but I love that my girls have those moments. Honestly, I’m grateful to them for their honesty and their willingness to question and explore the unknowns, the big questions, the popular and the unpopular ideas and opinions they come across. Even more, I am honored they are willing to share those with me. I welcome this on-going Questioning Phase, and I hope they never outgrow their desire to understand themselves and the world through asking questions. That’s pretty much the idea behind raising life-long learners who are curious and questioning. And I love watching these two remarkable young women put those things into practice day after day.