When we first moved to North Carolina we rented a single family home that included two garages, a sun porch room, a kitchen, a dining room and a living space that allowed for a reading nook for my then young readers as well as a living room space set up closer to the fireplace end of the room. There were also three bedrooms and plenty of closet storage. Compared to the townhouse we currently rent, that space was almost like living in a mansion. We had a whole room dedicated to homeschooling at the time because the girls shared a bedroom at the time.
While having to move from that space because the owners ended up selling the house opened up some fantastic opportunities for our family, downsizing from an almost 1600 square foot space to a 1000 square foot space was not one of them. While the square footage difference doesn’t appear all that big on paper, I’m guessing the layout of that first rental and the amazing living area (that honestly seems like it could house the entire first floor of this town house) made the space feel palatial. We’ve done well here and, believe me, we are beyond grateful for a place to live in an area where housing prices are out of our reach. Still, it can feel like we are sardines sometimes.
I guess it’s good that we like each other as much as we do, and therefore we tend to make room for one another most of the time. My girls’ efforts in making room for me definitely does not go unnoticed. Whether it is at our overly cluttered dining room table, on the small camping cot where my 16 year old likes to camp out for school, or even in conversations, my girls provide a welcoming space for me more often than not. And as someone who experienced being on the outside of spaces as a teenager myself, I tend to appreciate the gesture of being invited into a space.
That same feeling is one of the key foundations in my 24-year relationship with my husband: at a wedding rehearsal dinner we were attending before we even knew each other, I was feeling incredibly socially awkward standing outside of a group of friends who all knew each other well. That group included my now husband, David, and those outsider moments were hard on my emotions and overthinking. But as I stood there awkwardly, David moved slightly away from the group and turned his body enough to create space for me, inviting me to feel like I was a part of the group. I still remember that moment and can still feel the awkward tension I was feeling ebb ever so slightly when I think of that moment. Whenever my girls shift their position or invite me into their space, they pluck that chord within me and I cannot help but see my husband and his influences in our teenagers.
Of course, it’s not only the small space that hems us in, there’s also our rescue cat, Zuzu, who, out of the five of us, rarely surrenders her spot to anyone. In fact, she tends to take over my seat when I get up for any length of time. Sure, I could move her (and sometimes do), but I will always take the option of sharing a space with one of my teenagers when it comes along. But even more, I like seeing them put into practice this idea of making room and inviting others in, not just me. I have watched them during art club hangouts we have hosted and at family gatherings. I have observed their body language and seen their hearts opening to welcome someone into their space. As one who spent too much time in my young days feeling alienated or isolated, I love to watch the way they wordlessly encourage others and make room, whatever that happens to look like in the moment.
In fact, my 16 year old also willingly shares her bedroom space from time to time. Again, when we hosted art club hangouts and I needed a place for the parents to hang out separate from the teen artists, my 16 year old had no problem letting us set up a sitting area in her room. And, just today, when I didn’t have the space necessary to do the yoga stretching for my sore knee, she was quick to invite me to use her room (while she emptied the dishwasher, no less) and ran upstairs ahead of me to clear the clothes off her floor.
Feeling like an outsider or feeling awkward in a group seems to me like a rite of passage many of us go through. And for some, like myself, while that lessens somewhat, it has never disappeared completely. I suppose that’s why I appreciate the ways my teenagers make room for me and for those they encounter. My 14 year old has a heart for the marginalized and her heart holds so much room for those who need it. When I watch these two remarkable young women navigate the world, I am awed by their empathy, their compassion, and their gestures that welcome others in.