For several years now I have been on a quest to create some kind of community around our family, like-minded folks who also might even be neurodivergent so my girls and I could have a safe space to be, to find joy, and to enjoy the company of others who experience the world at least a little bit like we do. It has not been an easy or simple feat, but we have finally made some strides in the right direction and now have been nurturing connections and community with a sweet mom and daughter. It started with me and my friend meeting up regularly and just yesterday bringing our two families together. And it was an absolutely delightful experience for all of us.
Perhaps one of the most beautiful aspects for me of this sweet community we are creating is the opportunity to see my two teenagers through another’s eyes. The eyes of another mom who also has a neurodivergent teenage daughter. What I loved is that she saw me, but she also saw some of the awesomeness of each of my girls. Not only did she see it, she also named it and shared it with me when we got together this morning for our coffee meetup.
Over our hot cups of steaming java we checked in with each other to see what our teens thought about the gettogether my friend had hosted at her space. Of course, she opened her home, every part of it, to me, my husband, and our two teenagers, including her own bedroom where she let my youngest flop on her comfy bed and do some favorite iPad things. Her daughter was in her own room and my oldest daughter was snuggled on the couch. Each was absorbed in their own creative work or favorite activity and my friend gave me free rein in her kitchen to cook my girls all of their usual foods. This is not surprising because of course she understands the needs autistic folks can have when it comes to food.
And so, as we talked about some of the different moments from our family gathering, I was thrilled to hear my friend’s sweet observations about my two girls. An outsider’s perspective is always welcome and helpful because I admit that in the day-to-day I can lose sight of the bigger picture when it comes to how my teens are growing, maturing, and changing in many positive ways.
Over the course of the almost four hours we were there, obviously there were an array of emotions and experiences; this was, after all, the first time we had gotten all the teens together in at least a few years. Those few years ago, I had started a casual hangout for autistic teenagers where my youngest and my friend’s daughter got to know each other and even got together a couple of times before both decided they no longer wanted to pursue any sort of friendship at that time. As for my older, she did not exactly enjoy the teen hangout and only participated in one or two before opting out altogether.
One of the beautiful things about the sometimes emotional evening is that my friend and her home were such a safe space for all of those feelings and all of us. She was so good at helping my oldest navigate some big feelings of jealousy (because my youngest and my friend’s daughter finally reconnected a couple of hours into the evening) and self-doubt about her art. Because my friend is also an artist, my teen artist was quick to compare her journey to my friend’s. My friend was quick to step in and talk to her, artist to artist. They took off into another area of the space and chatted art and checked out each other’s work.
As we sipped coffee this morning and talked about all the wonderful moments from last night, my friend pointed out so many points of growth she saw in my oldest. She talked about her ability to name her emotions and express things that were upsetting her, but, even more, she bragged on her maturity and her ability to come back to a better place and see things differently than those initial moments. We agreed that in each of our teens we see such wonderful emotional growth. Truly their ability to regulate their emotions is impressive, to the point we agreed all teenagers, whether neurotypical or neurodivergent, should have the opportunities to practice these important skills. In fact, we went even farther and agreed our teens have abilities that outpace many adults we know.
There is something rewarding about sitting with a friend and letting them speak life and truth into your life. It is a delicate balm for both the heart and soul. She talked about how much she loves that my younger speaks up no matter what. She talked about the way my girls are deeply connected. She reminded me what a good job all three of us are doing over here. And I got to repay that, pointing out how awesome she and her daughter are doing, too. I love that I can see so many incredibly wonderful aspects about my teenagers. But I love discovering that others can also see those traits, and, in the case of my dear friend, someone else is willing to call out the goodness she sees in these two remarkable young women.