One of the animated Disney stories from my childhood that I remember more than many is Cinderella. Of course, aside from the rags to riches princess story of the main character, the two characters many of us recall are the two stepsisters, often referred to as the ugly stepsisters. The visual contrast between them and Cinderella is an easy one for even the youngest viewer not only to see but to understand on a basic level. As I consider that story in light of having two young women, I find myself questioning the message of that popular Disney tale among others.
The cartoon versions of these two stepsisters include exaggerated features, larger noses, oddly coiffed hair, oversized feet, especially in comparison with the delicate features of Cinderella, who, even while scrubbing the stone floors is the picture of loveliness. She is, of course, dubbed beautiful. Again, I have often revisited these ideas as a grown woman, but as a mama of two young women, I take even greater issue with the black and white ideas these sorts of stories and depictions, especially the animated depictions, have made about beauty.
Never as I was growing up did anyone address the idea that the stepsisters were ugly not because of the size of their noses or their mouths or the color and style of their hair. Rather, they are ugly because of their behavior—they are downright mean and they treat Cinderella (and others, I am certain) quite poorly. The same goes for their equally cruel and ugly mother. While I began to understand as I got older the way the physical portrayal of such characters like the stepsisters was intended to reflect their personalities and ugly character traits, I would be lying if I said I understood such nuance as a child.
This idea of beauty is objectively a slippery slope, even if people like to say something is objectively beautiful. I would rather my daughters understand beauty as it applies to nature, music, art, and writing, rather than to people. I am not suggesting that they shouldn’t find someone cute or hawt or crush-worthy; what I am saying is I believe we do all of us a disservice to assign such descriptions as beautiful or ugly to people based on physical traits—hair color, eye color, straight teeth, smooth skin, certain body shapes, whatever.
I refuse to allow my girls to judge themselves along these lines. I refuse to listen to them tear themselves down based solely on labels and ideas created in photoshopped images of women or by social media. As my girls have moved through their teenage years, I cannot count the number of conversations we have had about the way they talk about themselves and to themselves. It happened again just tonight. I reminded them that beauty does not hinge on a single aspect of a person. Indeed I strongly believe that beauty is but an esoteric concept, but if we must seek to define it, we do better if we consider the ways of people rather than the appearance of those people.
Are they kind? Then there is in them the essence of beauty.
Are they generous? Then there is in them the essence of beauty.
Are they tenderhearted? Then there is in them the essence of beauty.
Are they compassionate? Then there is in them the essence of beauty.
Are they thoughtful? Then there is in them the essence of beauty.
When I look upon these two remarkable young women, I confess I often am awed by who they are. Their beauty is easy to see in the way they treat others and it’s easy to hear in their words. Their beauty is obvious when I watch them at their creative work, wonder, joy, and delight flowing from them into the drawing they are making. Their beauty is best experienced in their very presence, their laughter, their intelligence, their thoughtful reflections on life and humanity. Perhaps one of the things that made Cinderella beautiful (the animator’s choice to give her blonde hair and blue eyes aside) is the way she interacted with the birds, the mice, the dog. Perhaps it was as much in her presence as her appearance. I can’t say for sure where Cinderella is concerned, but I can with certainty say that is how it is for these two amazing young women I am grateful to call my daughters. Indeed they are that essence of the true beauty that flows from the heart and the soul.