Do you recall your teenage years? I don’t know about you, but mine definitely had moments that can be described as tumultuous. The journey of the teenage years is fraught with such moments, those times when we need to determine where we begin apart from our parents. It’s an important experiential time when we get to figure out what we think, what we believe, what matters most to us and why. For many, this becomes a time marked by conflict and disagreements and power struggles; at least that’s how it was for me at times.
In a previous post, I talked about the idea that one of the things our girls tend to rebel against at this time in their teenage lives is the need to rebel against us. In other words, they rebel against teenage rebellion. That isn’t to say we don’t have differences of opinions and disagreements and that there are times when snark runs rampant on either side of a conversation (I am as fluent in sarcasm and eye rolling as either of our teenagers). And, while I appreciate this aspect of (mostly) harmony in our family, I also recognize each of them is growing and changing and there are things they talk about with each other and with a friend that we are not privy to.
And that’s okay. In fact, I do not begrudge them their secrets and whispered conversations that aren’t intended for grown-up ears. Honestly, I love that they find opportunities for this, sometimes squirreled away in one of their bedrooms together or even at the dining room table during their breakfast or dinner. I love that they have a need to whisper about things they don’t want us to hear or don’t want us to know they actually know about. For me, that is part of their right as teenagers. Because we have a strong and connected relationship, I don’t tend to worry they are “up to no good.” Rather, I provide them the space they need to connect with each other on this teen level.
For whatever reason, the sound of their whispered exchanges brings me whispers of joy. The other night, as I stood in the kitchen cleaning up some of the day’s dishes, my oldest came in with her cleared dinner tray and asked me if I was listening to their conversation. When I told her I was not, she wondered aloud how it is that I can possibly tune them out like that. I smiled and told her that at least some of the time it’s because I am writing in my head. Whether one of these posts or a story, I explained that I often play with words in my mind when I am doing some of my daily tasks. It is one of my writing habits and it helps me when I finally sit down to write.
But, the part I didn’t mention (and that she will read here as my one faithful reader), is that it’s also a practiced art, not listening in on their conversations. Even when I’m not writing in my mind, I like to provide them with those much-needed opportunities to talk without worrying or wondering if I’m listening. As an avid daydreamer anyway, I can easily disappear into inner landscapes. Of course I am also willing to put on one of my own playlists or an audiobook just to give them the freedom to be their teenage selves.
Maybe it’s because even though they don’t need to sneak around, I love that they have things they want to keep between themselves. So when they disappear into a conversation, it reminds me how connected they have become through the years. Given how challenging it has been trying to create autistic community around us where they can be authentically their beautiful, quirky, autistic selves, I am grateful they have formed a sliver of a community like that between themselves for themselves. At least for now. I think all teenagers can benefit from that kind of connection to one another and I absolutely celebrate it when I get to see it in the wild, whether in my teens or others.
And, here, in our little corner of the world, not only do I celebrate it, but I encourage it. There may even be a bit of my inner teenager from my own teenage years who envies it a little because I remember searching for that kind of authentic connection. In fact, I still seek that out. I am not a small talker or a social talker. If you ever spot me at a party (highly unlikely), I’ll be the person in the corner having a one-on-one deep diving conversation about real life and experiences—no weather or job talk allowed. That is what I hope and pray for each of my girls as they wind their paths through the teenage terrain of this world, that they find others who are willing and interested in being their real, quirky, and awesome selves. And then, rather than whispering, they can yell their barbaric yawp from the rooftops of the world (iykyk).