I read recently that on average we make somewhere around 33,000 to 35,000 conscious choices per day. I don’t even think my mind can completely comprehend that statistic because that seems almost astronomical when considered in connection with decision making and choices. But, as I attempt to wrap my mind around that idea, it helps make sense why trying to make changes in our lives, especially around the way we think, can feel like a battle we struggle to win. Even so, I also take solace in the advice that we don’t have to believe everything we think. This truly is news to me; I am one who is guilty of falling prey to my thoughts, even the ones that work against me.
I suppose my experience of being tripped up by my thoughts is the greatest influence in my attempts to guide our teenagers along better paths and into better ways of doing things, especially where controlling their thoughts is concerned. More and more these days I find myself reminding them that the only thing they can control in this world is themselves—their thoughts, their responses to their circumstances, their choices. I acknowledge to them the challenge this is, but always I remind them it is also always, always a choice, even when it doesn’t feel like it is.
These are things I also remind myself, because, let’s face it, this journey of taking thoughts captive and creating better inner voices and new soundtracks that encourage rather than tear down and disparage is an ongoing one. In other words, learning not to believe everything we think and replacing discouraging, disparaging thoughts with better ones is not a one and done sort of task. For me, this way of living is like loving my family or my faith (trusting God with all the things)—it’s a choice. And, it’s a choice I have to make every day and, sometimes, moment by moment.
Like similar things that are pretty simple, this choice is not necessarily an easy one. At least not until it becomes an unconscious, rote choice that is part of my brain’s muscle memory. Until then, I tell my girls and myself, the broken, critical soundtracks (or thoughts) will remain the loudest and most influential ones we have. Changing how we think, I tell them with an internal sigh, is hard work. Often I try to be as transparent as possible, letting them know I am not quite there yet, either. So, when they lament what they think their neurotypical peers are capable of doing, life skills that span the gamut of scooping their hair into a messy bun to cooking their own dinners to any other myriad things we like to think we should be able to do by a certain point in our lives, I tell them one of my favorite anecdotes.
Several years ago I read about an autistic woman who admitted that she cannot read an analog clock and has never learned how to tie her shoes. Even so, she is a lawyer. Becoming a successful attorney was not tied to, nor did it rely on her abilities to tell time or tie her shoes. She created work arounds for these (and other) things so she could focus on what she wanted to focus on—getting into law school, graduating, passing the bar exam, and becoming a successful attorney. She relies on digital clocks/watches and slip-on shoes even as she practices law. Whenever either of my girls begins to suggest they will never do some certain thing, I come back to this woman’s story. I also remind them that they are far more along the emotional intelligence path than they think they are or that many of their peers (neurotypical and neurodivergent) when it comes to this area.
The thing is, we don’t always see our progress when we are still making it. We lose sight of the place where we started because we are so focused on where we want to be. But, as I remind them—and myself—it’s not about the end destination. Instead, it truly is about the progress we are making. It’s about making helpful choices to benefit our journey each day. It’s about remembering that we don’t have to believe everything we think. It’s about acknowledging, even celebrating, how far we’ve come. And, from where I sit, I can see the distance each of our girls has covered. I can see the healthy choices they’ve been making and how they are advocating for themselves. Sure, I still make the mistake of focusing on what things they still need to do or learn rather than celebrating their amazing progress; still I do see the progress. And, as with so many other things, I love having the opportunity to celebrate these two amazing young women and just how far they’ve come so far on their journeys. They truly are pretty awesome!