As I have moved through the year with this blog of 365 reasons why I love my teenagers, the reason for doing it has come into a clearer focus. There were myriad reasons for starting it back in January, not the least of which was to demonstrate to myself, my girls, and anyone who stumbles across my words that love is a choice, an active choice that we get to make every moment of every day. Over the course of the past several months, I have had the opportunity to have conversations about unconditional love, about how disappointment with their decisions or choices does not alter my love for them, and about love being more than a feeling because it is something that requires action.
Each day since this love letter to my girls started on January 1, I have watched my girls in a new and different way, looking for the small moments that speak to who they are and who they are becoming and how each of those moments serve as part of the foundation for my love. However, I must clarify, these are not conditions for my love. Rather they are reflections of the love they embody and demonstrate—that they reflect—each and every day. So, as well as being a love letter to each of my girls, my words are also like holding up a mirror for them to see themselves reflected through my unconditional love of and appreciation for them.
Every day my life is better because of these two remarkable young women with whom I get to share it. And as I continue to celebrate what makes them who they are, I also continue to collect vignettes reflecting each of them, seeing them as a jeweler who sees the facets and cuts of a gemstone through which light shines as it moves through a gem’s angles and dimensions. It is my hope that my girls will come to see themselves more accurately as they move through their teen years.
As a teenager, I remember often feeling awkward, filled with uncertainty and insecurities, convinced every other teenager was cooler or smarter or better than me in indeterminate ways. Obviously, this was not true, but it felt true and that was convincing enough for me. Unfortunately, the comparison trap hits teenagers pretty hard and they adopt some loud and negative self-talk, what we like to refer to as broken soundtracks. Honestly, I’m not quite sure how these develop in our children and teenagers so quickly, but I see them in our girls, the way they judge themselves and talk about themselves in hurtful ways. Truly, I don’t understand how they don’t see what I see and I wish I could provide them that perspective.
For example, the other night, I took my 15 year old to her favorite bookstore and on the way there we passed a few different corners where there were people stationed with cardboard signs asking for help. As we sat at the stoplight, I handed my girl a few dollars and told her she could offer it to the man standing on the median if she wanted to; this is something she used to do more regularly and hadn’t had the opportunity to do in recent months. I love this girl’s heart. I love how deeply she cares for others. Her interaction with the gentleman was brief, but her smile was not, and I loved watching her light up, her smile reflecting in her eyes as I caught her face in my rearview mirror.
Similarly, my 17 year old recently attended her weekly teen hangout and later in the week one of her dad’s band rehearsals. To each of these she brought beaded stars she has taught herself to make and she freely gave them away to those in attendance. Like her sister, my 17 year old has a kind and generous heart and the two of them often want to share what they can with others. I love this about them. I love how they are able to see others and want to provide them with some small token to let people know they matter.
Sometimes, when we listen only to the broken soundtracks that misconstrue who we are, we can begin to believe them. These lies from our inner critics create a distorted view of us, sort of like looking in a funhouse mirror that stretches our torsos or squashes our form so that we look in that mirror reflection almost nothing like ourselves. And even though truth provides a better reflection of us, we struggle to accept that perception. I suppose it is easier to accept, to agree with the worst ideas of ourselves until there are other voices to speak into our lives. The world around us, the social media selves we curate, the culture that compares and the people who tear others down in order to build themselves up run rampant.
I have been talking to my girls about this recently. About how complicated and messy we human beings are. About how relationships are complicated and messy. But I think my 15 year old captured it pretty well the other day when she said humans are like glitter—we’re messy, but we’re beautiful. I don’t think I could have created a better word picture than that. It is my hope that my girls will come to see themselves in all of their broken, messy, complicated beauty. I hope that even as I call forth words that might hold a mirror up to them for them to see their true selves, even more I hope they continue to hold a mirror up to the world to encourage and inspire the world to be kind, generous, and glittery human beings.