There is an old, and ridiculous, expression that has irked me for many, many years, that children should be seen and not heard. I have traced the origins of this phrase from its coining by John Mirk in his 15th century religious writings directed to “young maidens,” to its expansion to include all children. It’s been suggested these words applied to 15th century dinner parties where children’s tables were created so children could be seen by the grown ups but could not insert themselves into the conversations among the adults. Whether that is true, over the years, in my opinion this phrase has been bandied about in condescending ways regarding children.
Honestly, this isn’t truly surprising. Too often I’ve witnessed characterizations of children that simply seem absurd, as if children are not tiny human beings with thoughts, emotions, and even bad days, but are things to be controlled. Somehow, somewhere along the way, children have taken on a sort of mystique of terror among parents and non-parents alike. If a child disagrees with a parent’s decree, they are defiant, even dangerous. If a tween speaks their mind, they are disrespectful, even dangerous. If a teen suggests something contrary to a parent’s (or teacher’s) ideas and expectations, they are irreverent, even dangerous.
Except that they’re none of these things.
In fact, in my opinion, if anyone is dangerous, it’s the grown ups. Perhaps they are insecure or fearful and maybe they believe that when a child or a teen questions them or expresses a different perspective from them they are calling the adult’s authority into question. In other words, these kinds of free expressions of thoughts, ideas, and independent perspectives are interpreted immediately as a power struggle. We hear those kinds of terms, don’t we: pick your battles, that’s a hill I’m willing to die on, we’re locked in a power struggle. Each of these sayings focuses our parenting on conflict rather than on relationship, and for me, the relationship has always been where I want to pour my time and energy.
Because of this, when our girls were younger, one of the phrases we chose to adopt is, it’s not personal.
That’s not something many parents or grown ups do well with, likely because it feels personal when our teenagers express their opinions, especially if their opinion contradicts ours. Honestly, it wasn’t always easy for me to embrace that idea when our girls were younger even though we adopted that statement because of its very essence and sentiment. To remind us that their words were not a challenge, nor were they personal, intended to disrespect or thwart our authority. Again, for me, the idea of authority runs counter to the idea of a parenting relationship steeped in love and mutual respect rather than fear and control and, by extension, conflict.
As our girls have grown into themselves we have worked to create a space and a relationship where they get to express themselves freely. That includes what they think and what they believe. And that means sometimes we don’t see eye to eye. Still, we always meet heart to heart and my love for them is never in question. When I tell them I love them with a no-matter-what kind of love, I mean it.
No matter what they choose to believe.
No matter if they see an issue from a different angle or perspective.
No matter if they question what I believe.
No matter if they argue or disagree with me.
No matter whether they mess up really big.
No-matter-what means no matter what.
I truly believe when we provide our girls with this freedom of expression, we are encouraging them to be independent, critical thinkers. We have laid foundations in our home, in our family, and our unschooling that allows each of us to think and speak freely. Do I still sometimes have to remind myself that their difference of opinion or their words aren’t personal? Absolutely. But like working out any muscle or thinking, the more you do it, the easier it is. And, we’ve also made this a two-way, back-and-forth way of relating and interacting. Layered beneath the words, the differences of opinions, the curious questioning, there remains the foundation of respect and, always, always, the consistent no-matter-what kind of love.