One of my favorite things about social media these days is the ability to scroll through my memories. You know, those posts you made a year ago, three years ago, ten or more years ago? Talk about the nostalgia that bubbles up inside you as you remember those moments all those many years ago; even better if they are accompanied by a photo or two. Aside from personal memories involving my girls when they were wee ones or the posts about some fun adventure our family enjoyed, there are a good number of parenting-related posts, some including my observations, and even more capturing the advice of parenting experts I’ve followed over the years, like Scream-free Parenting, Playful Parenting, The Play-at-Home Mom, and L.R. Knost. Those gems still speak to me and remind me not only of the journey we’ve taken to this point as gentle parents, but the one we are still walking with our now-teenagers.
There’s a popular joke and meme that circulates social media regularly about what a great parent I was before I had kids. It makes me laugh whenever I see it again because the longer I’ve been on this journey with our girls, the more I realize how true it is. Before we have children, we believe we know how it’s all going to unfurl, right? How naive we all are. And I’m actually grateful my parenting life looks nothing like I thought it would because in that version, everything was perfect and, well, boring, really. Oh, I know. How often do many of us tend to lament the chaos of our days? But, if I’m honest, I believe, truly believe, not only were those ideas unrealistic, they were actually less idealistic than the days I’m living with my teenagers now. Why? Because in those fantasies, my kids were little more than mini versions of what I thought I wanted to see in myself.
Instead, what I have are two incredible young women who are independent and unique and becoming who God designed them to be. Sure, they have some of my character traits and some of my husband’s qualities, but they are not mini-me carbon copies of either of us. And that is a good thing. Imagine how boring that would be. Besides, who I’m supposed to be and who I want to see myself as has nothing to do with them; that’s between me and God and He is still working out the kinks in this particular masterpiece He created 58 years ago. I love that each of my girls is also a masterpiece created by Him, but they are not supposed to be better versions of me (that’s my job).
Having come to terms with that early on in their childhoods, it’s been great fun watching them explore their interests, sometimes abandoning them and other times diving deeper into them. It’s been equally exciting to watch them develop and hone their creative talents and abilities and to thrive in their own ways. Even so, I watch them try to follow my path sometimes, especially if I choose to share something that sparks a deep joy in me, like a favorite movie or book or band or food.
In those moments, I watch them as they try so hard to like something I’ve suggested or shared with them. They don’t see it in themselves, but I see it on their faces, in their eyes, that struggle to say, no thank you. Thank you, but, no, I don’t like that. I don’t like that flavor. I don’t appreciate that song. I don’t understand why you like that book or that painting or that television show. It can be challenging to step out of the way for our kids, especially our teenagers, and let them be who they are and to express themselves in their unique ways—letting them listen to music that speaks to them, allowing them to wear clothes that represent who they are on the inside, encouraging them to be different than who we scripted them to be long before we held them in our arms.
For example, my 17 year old has picked up The Hunger Games on at least three different occasions now and she has yet to get all the way through the first book. She wants to like it, she tells me, and I always respond by telling her she doesn’t really have to like it just because I do or even the way I do. With the release of the newest book in the series, Sunrise on the Reaping, I recently binged the original three books again. She doesn’t see the appeal of it and that is okay. We still talk about it because she is interested in why I find it so fascinating. We went through this with a couple of other favorite books I tried to share as read alouds in our unschooling days, both of which we abandoned before finishing. And it’s okay. They don’t have to like the things I like or enjoy the things I enjoy. They get to be who they are and they get to make up their own minds as they figure out who they are.
We have repeated this pattern with plenty of things and it has taken our girls a bit of time to accept it’s okay not to like something we do. What I always appreciate is their underlying desire to want to share that experience with me. I like that they will give it a chance, trying it out before turning it down. I admire this about each of them because what I see in their desire and their effort is the kind of willingness to see and understand an idea from someone else’s perspective. Even when they determine a food or idea or expectation or experience isn’t one we share, they are able to respect the food, idea, expectation, or experience nonetheless. We all know our world benefits from people who are not only willing, but able, to consider things from a different perspective rather than flat out denying it has any value or worth. As I watch these two remarkable young women, I am excited to see the ways they will add goodness to a world that needs it because they realize you can appreciate and respect something even if you don’t like it.