Experiencing disappointment is never easy, no matter how old we are or how many times we’ve experienced it before. It still tends to sting and stir up our emotions, emotions that are seemingly incongruous at best and difficult to sift through and process. Still, I suppose learning how to face disappointment is one of those not-so-great rites of passage where growing up is concerned. And, unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately, when I consider it) the more we encounter it, the better we will become at understanding those feelings and expressing them to the people in our lives that matter to us. Disappointment can make us feel like we are alone in the world, but the truth is we are not. I want my girls to understand that.
As a parent, it’s one thing to experience my own disappointment, but it’s another thing altogether when witnessing that emotional gut punch affect your kids, no matter how old they are. For me, as well as for them, these moments are always a learning opportunity, however challenging they may feel at the time. As I have watched these two young women grow and evolve into the remarkable teenagers they are and still are becoming, I have seen their resilience stretch and grow and observed the ways they are better able to engage with the complicated thoughts and feelings disappointment (and similar emotions) can throw at us.
Recently, a planned day of swimming was completely disrupted by the afternoon thunderstorms we have been having here over the past three or four weeks. After being in the pool for less than 10 minutes, we had to pull the plug on our swimming outing because there was lightning in the distance. My 17 year old quipped to me and her aunt that this is why it’s better to keep your expectations low, because then the disappointment tends to be less of a looming force as well. This perspective elicited both a laugh and a nod of appreciation for her aunt.
Still, disappointment looms no matter our efforts to keep it at bay.
For example, as a small treat last week, I decided to buy each of our girls a surprise book or two just because. Unfortunately, the book I selected for my oldest turned out to be the wrong volume of the book she was hoping to receive. A friend of hers had mentioned the book to her a short while back and my girl had even put the title on her growing Christmas list. When I was online, I realized there were two different volumes to choose from, but, because I wanted to keep this a surprise, I inadvertently and unknowingly picked the wrong volume.
The joy of the surprise upon opening the package was but the briefest blink of an eye before my teenager realized this one did not include any genuine information about her favorite hair metal band. The disappointment settled over her even as she was preparing for her counseling appointment—that timing couldn’t have been better because it provided her a safe place to process through that initial letdown. But it wasn’t only the letdown she needed to move through. It was how to express her gratitude at the gift even though it was the wrong gift.
I love that she wanted to be able to be grateful and wanted me to know how much she appreciated my intentions. Even so, she also needed to be able to explain that this wasn’t a gift she wanted to keep because she truly wanted to have the other book volume. I love that she spent time talking through this with her unicorn of a counselor. For a few weeks now, my husband and I have referred to her counselor in this way because she is someone who clearly understands not only our teenager, but autistics and the ways of the neurodivergent mind. She goes so far above and beyond and we are grateful; she has been a source of wisdom and comfort—a unicorn combination for sure—to our teen girl and the growth we’ve witnessed since our girl started seeing this particular counselor is something we celebrate often.
Still, my autistic brain sometimes goes through its own stuttering steps and I, like my teenagers sometimes do, needed a little time to walk through the events at my own speed and in my own time. Again, I am both grateful and impressed with the ways these two remarkable young women are able to move through complicated emotions like disappointment and frustration. I love the ways they are growing and stepping into themselves, into who they are designed and created to be. And I will never be disappointed in their disappointment because it is a sign of the growth and resilience I see in them. There’s absolutely no disappointment in that.