When you have kids, one of the side effects when around other people involves who your child looks like, you or your spouse. To be honest, no matter what other people have to say on this subject, I almost never see the resemblance to which they refer. In other words, I don’t see either of us in the face of my girls, not when they were babies or toddler, and not now that they are teenagers. To me, they have always looked exactly like themselves and no one else. With one exception.
They have an uncanny ability to shine a pretty bright light on the things in me I might, just might need to address in myself. In other words, my girls serve as a mirror reflecting some of my not-so-good qualities. I don’t know if you’ve read the Harry Potter books or not, but in the first book, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, Harry stumbles upon a mirror, the Mirror of Erised, that revealed “deepest and most desperate desire of our hearts” to the one looking into the mirror. Pretty impressive, right?
Teenagers are like that same sort of mirror, providing a similar and equally impressive glimpse of who we are when we are with them. Unfortunately, what we see, or what is reflected back to us, is not always our best selves. Even so, I would argue we do get to see a glimpse of our heart’s deepest and perhaps most desperate desire in the reflection our teens provide; it is the desire to be a better person, a better version of ourselves. I would even go so far as to say God uses my teenagers fairly regularly to show me the places He wants to work on in me and with me.
Perhaps you’ve heard the phrase, parenting is not for the faint of heart. These words are deeply true, but not always because the child or, in this instance, the teenager, is challenging. I hold these words close to my heart as truth because there are few other options in this world for seeing myself in action than watching one of my teens move through life on any given day.
Mind you, there are times I do see the best parts of myself playing out in the world as one of my girls faces a fear head on or demonstrates a level of compassion and empathy I witness in too few adults in the world. But more often I am confronted more regularly with things like my cynicism, my sarcasm, my angry outbursts, my impatience, or myriad other things I know I need a bit of work in me to even out or expunge altogether. In our family, we use the illustration of the apple not falling far from the tree more often to address some of these rougher parts of ourselves.
For example, when I see my youngest teenager struggling with her anxiety and not wanting to talk about the difficult and challenging things going on, I tend to acknowledge her struggle with the statement, “Your apple did not fall far from this mama’s tree.” It helps break any tension either of us may feel in the moment, but even more, it allows me to let her know I see how she’s trying to avoid some overwhelming emotions and share that I also can be uncomfortable talking about the things that make me anxious or angry or something bad that happened.
To get to that place, however, I have had to be willing to let my teenagers shine a light on my shortcomings. I have had to be willing to acknowledge my flaws and point out places where I realize I can do better or be better. Because if I want to nurture their best in them, I first need to want to nurture my best in me. And so I encourage each of us to screw our courage to the sticking place and be willing and, yes, brave enough, to take a look at the reflection our teenagers are showing us. You’ll be glad you did. I promise.
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