What goes through your mind when your teenager exerts a mind of their own? I mean, let’s face it, I don’t think any of us really like certain tones of voice with which we associate defiance or belligerence or, worse, disrespect. But what if we took a step back and maybe a deep breath and reconsider this whole tone of voice idea. Is it necessarily a sign of rudeness or disdain, or is that simply what we are hearing in the moment?
The other day, including yesterday and the day before that and the day before that, so many, many days, one or both of my teenagers has pushed my proverbial buttons with their attitude (raise your hand if you know what I’m talking about). It may be that I asked them a question or asked them to do something. It could be that I responded a bit harshly on my side (if I am willing to be honest) to an opinion expressed by my teen. Or perhaps I just happen to be dealing with my own mental fatigue or overwhelm. Whatever the circumstances, I read my teen’s tone as adversarial and I was ready to exert my authority, draw the battle lines, launch my offensive.
But hold on.
That’s what I told myself as I breathed in a deep, deep breath, something I am working on in myself — pause before I respond. I’ve heard the expression for many years now, connect before you correct. Admittedly, I found that sometimes easier when my teenagers were younger. Even so, my brain knows logically I need to pause.
But hold on.
Aren’t I the parent? Am I not the one in control?Haven’t I earned the role of being in charge? Yes, yes, and yes.
But hold on.
Because here’s the thing. The moment I make this a moment of conflict, the minute I draw battle lines and make this about being in charge in my mind, I set the stage for disappointment and failure for both of us. How long will I be in control of the situation or myself once I believe myself to be engaged in a conflict rather than a conversation?
Oh, and, let’s face it — I’m not ever in control of my teenager (or anyone else for that matter). The only person I can ever truly control is me.
I have a choice to make when I hear a tone of voice that prickles my mama sensibilities. My choice? To pause and to call to mind that love covers a multitude of sins and that includes tone of voice and even the words spoken with that tone.
Love is a choice and sometimes I have to remind myself to make it. Sometimes I have to recall how often I have encouraged my girls from the time they were toddlers to advocate for themselves. In fact, I have also persuaded them to question authority, whether that is an idea, something they read online, or something someone asks of them that feels off. And that list has also included, well, me.
Yes. I’ve let my girls know they have the right and opportunity to call me out, question me, and push back if they feel it necessary. Because this is the best space for them to learn that skill, isn’t it. It’s a safe space (or it should be) to learn how to communicate even when the communication looks (and feels) like disrespect or defiance. Because here’s what I’ve gleaned along the way — often, it’s not.
Seriously. Often it’s not that at all. It can sound like it, but what I’ve learned is there is something my kid needs to say and they don’t know how and so they react rather than respond. I wonder if I’ve ever behaved similarly. Um, that would be a resounding yes! Whether I’ve responded to something my spouse said, something a boss said, something a colleague did, or a moment when I was just overwhelmed, I have had snark and sarcasm and dissent drench my words.
I love that my girls advocate for themselves, even with me. And even more, I love that my girls remind me how important communication is in my relationships. Love is a habit I am willing to learn and relearn and there is no better teacher than my teenagers’ willingness to question my authority.
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