The other day, when the girls and I had finished the first installment of our unschooling homeschooling time, the girls began chatting about different things, mainly music things, favorite characters from books, movies, and online series they’ve encountered, and general teenagery things. I enjoy listening to them discuss art they’ve made and choose to share with one another or listening to them bond through meme speak and nonsensical things that invite eruptions of laughter.
As I went about my tasks, I heard my 16 year old share an insight with her younger sister. It was something she’d already shared with me, and it made me smile deeply. Again.
A day or two previously, my 16 year old told me something that inspired delight and also a sense of pride within me: Mama, you and Daddy are such supportive parents, my sister and I have no need to rebel. In part, I think she was at least partly disappointed she had no need to rebel in the ways she’s read about in novels or seen in popular films, including some of the standard 80s fare we have been introducing her and her sister to (like Footloose, The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off). But, overall, she seemed pretty content with her teenage circumstances.
Is this the only option: teens rebel; parents ground their teens; lather, rinse, repeat? Surely not.
This conversation about teenage behavior and rebellion is one we have had on numerous occasions, especially given both my teenagers know I had a rebellious streak that wreaked havoc on my teenage life when I was about 14 years old. They know some of the incredibly stupid things I did and they also know I was grounded for an extensive period of time several times during that time in my life. That aside, my 16 year old marvels at the idea that we don’t “police” her clothing choices or her music preferences. She knows there are some parents who do and she regularly lets me know she appreciates that she is allowed to express herself in her own unique ways, including in how she chooses to dress.
And so while she and I have talked through these ideas, this was the first time I had the opportunity to hear my two girls discuss the topic and I couldn’t help but smile to myself as my oldest announced to her sister, Our parents are way too supportive for us to ever have to rebel. They chatted about this for several minutes and then invited me into their conversation, asking me why we choose to be seemingly more supportive than most parents (especially in the fact that we do not ground our teens and this is a small, strange practice in their minds).
Honestly, until I had kids (who are now teenagers) I hadn’t given this a lot of thought. It simply was the way things work: teens rebel; parents ground their teens; lather, rinse, repeat. But as my husband and I considered our children and our parenting options, we realized there were other options. And so we embarked on a parenting journey we could not have predicted until we held those girls in our arms. We decided to create a story in which we could all equally participate.
As I considered my 16 year old’s question about our supportiveness, I replied simply and directly. We considered how telling somebody they cannot do something almost guarantees they want or feel compelled to do that thing; they cannot get that thing out of their mind. Instead of focusing on what they shouldn’t do or can’t do, we’ve worked pretty diligently (and pretty hard, honestly) to pave their path with the things they can do instead.
Finally, I acknowledged that ultimately, these are their lives, not mine. Am I always comfortable with their choices? No. But, again, these are their lives. They get to make the choices. They get to make mistakes. And, yes, they get to deal with the consequences. And, before anyone floods my inbox or the comments with the idea that they need guidance, that’s what my 16 year old means by our being supportive. Believe you me, we have had some tricky and difficult and sometimes downright uncomfortable conversations involving all the topics imaginable (an exaggeration, but you get the point).
There are some wonderful gifts we receive as parents. The blessings can be beyond our ability to imagine. But, I’m not going to lie; this assessment from my oldest teen, supported and corroborated by my youngest teen? Those words are a badge of honor I will wear proudly each day; or at least treasure them and ponder them in my heart because they are really that special. Just like the two teenagers I have the privilege of parenting each and every day.