When our girls were younger and Halloween rolled around each year, we would do the things a lot of folks do, finding costume ideas and preparing for trick or treating, usually Halloween Strolls planned in one of the many small towns in our Western North Carolina area. Each year there was a sense of anticipation as we finalized the details of their costumes and bought small orange pumpkin-shaped buckets to fill with sweet treats when we headed off to the Stroll or a Trunk or Treat event. Despite the excitement and anticipation, however, those early years too often ended with disappointment or frustration or some combination of those wrapped in anxiety.
In October 2016 we moved to the townhouse where we currently live and, of course, one focus during that month was Halloween and wondering whether this new neighborhood did anything about trick or treating. Honestly, there was a part of me that sort of hoped we could get through that October without having to do the usual Halloween things. But, as the day approached, my oldest, who was 8.5 talked about her costume (something she still does, though starting much earlier in the year now) and trick or treating. I remember deciding to talk to her about maybe not trick or treating and when she asked why, I explained that things never quite went as planned and she and her sister tended to experience anxiety and disappointment with the whole thing.
To this day, I still remember her words, her wisdom, when she looked at me so earnestly and said, but this is a whole new and different year, Mama, and this time things might be different. It might be better and I’d at least like to try.
I’d at least like to try.
Those words have stuck with me and been a guiding reminder when we face something that maybe didn’t go well in the past. With her words tucked away in my heart that year, I decided we would indeed try again and this time we would prepare not just with costumes and orange pumpkin buckets, but we would also practice trick or treating in our house first, understanding the process from knocking on the door, saying trick or treat, and saying thank you for whatever candy they received. I finally realized that part of the disappointment had as much to do with the fact that the candy they got did not match what they were expecting. That year, I explained that they could say thank you for whatever candy they got—even the ones they didn’t want or like—and we would trade it out at home with their favorite candy selections I’d buy ahead of time for that purpose.
That year, and every year since then, our Halloween activities have been much more successful and a whole lot more fun. Now, the focus on costumes and candy brings more joy and less anxiety because we have figured out how to make it work. Trial and error and refusing to quit have helped all of us grow and experience things in a better way.
As teens, I continue to watch them employ this same trial and error to uncover growth and even success. Not every time, but definitely more often. And even if the success part still seems elusive (it’s not, it just doesn’t look like any of us anticipate in the moment), the growth is more and more noticeable. I got to see this again just this week when both girls attended an autistic teen hangout that did not go as well as any of us had hoped. I went ahead with the plan for both to attend because I still carry those words from my then-8-year-old-now-17-year-old in my heart: Mama, and this time things might be different. It might be better and I’d at least like to try.
It was challenging for each of them, but it was also different as well as at least a little bit better this time. What I loved about that night was getting to watch the way each girl’s empathy and compassion broke through the surface of their frustration, disappointment, and anxiety. They were able to see the good and the not-so-good and, even more, how they might do better in the future. We get to keep working on that, and I love that they see that, too. Really, so much of life is but trial and error and growing, and these two incredible young women are growing and changing and I love that they are almost always willing to try again.