I got together with a friend for dinner this evening and as we were saying our goodbyes, she said something profound, something that resonated deeply with me. She said, I’m so glad I’m a mom. I don’t know who I’d be if I weren’t. Being a parent has shaped who I am. Immediately, I knew exactly what she meant and, as I drove home, I wondered the same thing as I considered all of the ways these two girls have helped shape who I am. All of the ways these two girls have influenced me to be the best version of myself. I have said this in previous posts, but it bears repeating. Parenting our girls is absolutely, without a doubt, one of the ways God is refining me and transforming me each and every day.
The conversations I share with this friend help me keep life in perspective. First, they inspire so much laughter. Second, they help me to see that a difficult moment or even a moment when I’ve missed the mark in some way or another does not define my parenting. In other words, a bad parenting moment does not translate into my being a bad parent. Friends, it can feel that way sometimes, especially in our neurodivergent family filled with autistic black and white thinking and rigidity in how we think a day or even a moment should go. But parenting these two autistic teenagers have given me a gentleness of spirit and a tenacity I don’t believe I would have acquired in any other way. Even more, parenting two autistic teenagers whose needs can look different from the neurotypical ways of the world has taught me how to treat myself more gently.
Grace is for all of us and in our family it abounds and shapes how I parent and how I speak to myself when my parenting falls short of the mark I hope to hit.
I have always believed our kids, especially our teenagers hold a mirror up to us each day wherein we get to see ourselves more clearly. My teenagers reflect back to me almost immediately the words and choices I make, providing me an opportunity to truly see who I am and who I am becoming. When I look back at my younger self, I am able to see the ways being the mama to these two remarkable young women indeed has encouraged me to break some of the cycles I experienced. To introduce new ways of doing things and new ways of seeing my teenagers not as problems to solve or people to control, but human beings in need of my support and my encouragement. Yes, they require boundaries and natural consequences for their own not-so-great choices; but even more, they require unconditional, no-matter-what love and grace and second chances.
If I were to stand my younger self next to my current self, the differences are mind boggling. My perspective, my world view, my caustic personality of those younger years reveal the selfishness and self-centeredness I cradled pretty closely in my daily life. Actually, when my husband and I got married and talked about having children, I remember being adamantly opposed to the idea. I told him I was much too selfish to have children. I said I knew I would not willingly sacrifice my own wants and dreams for someone else, not even my own child.
I was wrong.
And I’m fairly certain God knew that, too. He knew just how much I needed the opportunity of motherhood to become exactly who He designed me to be. The creativity, the writing, the wanderlust, the delight I feel when I experience beauty in the world—all of that was expanded, even elevated, through the years I have been a mama to these two incredible young women. Truly, one cannot effect the same kinds of changes in themself quite so acutely as when one is making changes for someone else, sacrificing for someone else. Interestingly, that becomes even clearer to me as we head into Passion Week, the final week of Jesus’ life, who made one of the greatest sacrifices for so many someone elses. For all the someone elses.
My girls have helped me understand that sacrifice doesn’t translate into the loss I was so often afraid of experiencing. Instead, sacrifice creates connection, relationship. Sacrifice offers grace and new life, for me, for my girls, and, yes, for the parts of me like my creativity and wanderlust and connections. My friend was right—I don’t know who I’d be today if I weren’t a mama to these two amazing young women. And I’m incredibly grateful I get to be who I am right now. With them in my life.