As of today, I have written about 78 things about my two remarkable teenagers, and, while each of those are an important part of this Habit of Love project, some days, the things I discover about these two incredible young women amaze me more than others. In other words, they awe and floor me in ways I don’t think I anticipated when I launched this series on January 1. Today is one of those days for me.
In many of these posts I discuss the way my teenagers tend to see themselves through far more critical eyes than others do. Especially me. Too often they lament their perceived inability to do what they believe other teenagers their age are already doing. As I wrote yesterday, we, as human beings, seem programmed to second guess ourselves and, even more, to compare ourselves to others. I cannot count the number of themes I have been guilty of this, measuring my “success,” or lack thereof, or my skill sets against those of friends and even complete strangers on social media. When it comes to ourselves, we are not prone to be objective or even kind when it comes to the art of self-assessment.
When moments of comparison crop up with my teens, I am quick to listen and to acknowledge their perspective; but, even more, I am quick to remind them that more often than not we measure ourselves against arbitrary ideas and milestones. I suppose that was at least part of the motivation for me behind these daily posts—to capture, to highlight all the amazing qualities I see in and experience with my teenagers.
If pressed, before I started this series, I don’t know that I could tell you what I believed were some of the most important things I wanted my teenagers to learn or know as they travel their paths. I probably couldn’t even have picked a top three. But as I have watched them and captured specific things over the past 78 days, I can name at least two or three things now not only that I believe are important, but that I see in each of my girls. And they are things I believe many of us would benefit from over the course of our own journeys.
They are: the ability to regulate their emotions; the ability to know, to recognize, what they need when they are feeling dysregulated; and the ability to advocate for themselves. That third one? That’s the one that has me awed and amazed today. Personal insight and the ability to self-advocate based on those insights to me is a crucial ability, especially when you are autistic or neurodivergent in any way in this neurotypical world. In the past week I have witnessed each girl speak up, advocating in clear and certain terms for what they needed. What impressed me as much or maybe more was their recognition of the thing they realized they needed in order to help themselves in some way.
For the 14 year old, who was facing increased anxiety due to the cold virus her body was fighting, she woke up on the morning of one of her regular appointments, looked at me, and said, I wish I had said yes to seeing Meg (her OT) today. Having spent two days in the grip of her anxiety, she was able to recognize how spending time with Meg, even virtually, would benefit her, more than likely helping her reduce her anxiety. Without hesitation, I texted our OT and discovered she could definitely do a virtual appointment. As part of her self-advocacy, my 14 year old also asked if I would stay in the room during her appointment, to which I was more than happy and willing to oblige. That appointment made a huge difference for my girl and she repeated to herself at least one, maybe two, affirmations from Meg to help her through the next few days.
Then, there’s my 17 year old. Today, she was practically floating to our car following her counseling appointment. Aside from the floating, there was the declaration that today had been the best counseling day so far for her. I. Was. Thrilled. For her and for me as her mama. Because, as I’ve said, seeing the way each teenager is able to embrace her journey and to practice self-advocacy along the way makes me celebrate her with abandon. Like her sister, today, I watched my 17 year old breathe deeply and relay to me information she initially believed would be too hard to share. But, she had talked through it with her counselor and had processed quite a bit in her journal, going through the things she thought might happen; as she reviewed that this afternoon, she laughed and admitted how ridiculous so much of it sounded to her now versus when she originally wrote it out.
Folks, these are the moments we crave as parents. To see our children, our teenagers, come to the place where they understand themselves. Where they see themselves fully, wholly, and can communicate things that matter deeply to them without fear and, more importantly, without censoring themselves. I want to be that safe space. Sure, today, I doubted myself a bit, because I recognized my 17 year old’s uncertainty in sharing her revelation and information with me; but, I realize what matters is she did. And I want to be that safe space for her. For her and for her younger sister.
But, of course, there’s even more to it than that. It’s about these two incredibly remarkable young women. It’s about their ability to understand themselves and who they are and what they need. It’s about their ability and willingness to communicate those needs. And, it’s about their ability to advocate for themselves, to make sure they get their needs met. I could not be more proud of these two young women and who they are becoming. Every day, I am awed and amazed and so grateful to have a front row seat to their journeys.