By this point in this series you have likely realized that staying connected to my teens is one of the best ways for me actively to love our teenagers. The more connected we are to someone, or something, the easier it is to recall the positive things we appreciate about that person or thing. I daily remind myself that love is always active and never passive; love is not a cursory feeling, and it absolutely requires something of me. As I regularly remind myself of these truths, I tend to experience a deeper understanding of what unconditional love truly looks like. Perhaps because I experience that kind of no-matter-what kind of love from God, from my husband, and, yes, from my teens.

Love is always a choice and knowing this I work out ways to make that choice in all of my relationships, including, and perhaps even more so, with my teenagers. This is why I am working on this series this year. It matters to me and it helps me because we all know sometimes loving people, even people in our families, can be challenging. When loving my family, including my teens, feels challenging, I like to remind myself I, too, am challenging to them. I can be a bit prickly and I can sometimes experience some big emotions of my own that have nothing to do with my teens.

However that doesn’t always mean I don’t end up spewing my emotions all over them at times. Believe me, it is not a good look and we all know it. In fact, I know it in the moment, but sometimes the dysregulation is greater than me (likely because I have not taken proper care of myself and my needs). But, here’s an important truth about the fallout from those dysregulated, emotion-spewing moments: when they happen, I apologize. No matter how uncomfortable it feels to do so, I make amends for any hurtful words I’ve directed at them and for my over-the-top behaviors and raised voice. And believe me, it feels deeply uncomfortable sometimes. I do it anyway. Why? Because it matters.

On my worst days, when I am unable to treat myself with grace or kindness, guess who the first people in my life are to speak truth in love into my life? You guessed it—my teenagers.

These two girls extend grace in beautiful, life-affirming ways and it pierces my heart deeply. These girls speak words of healing and mercy and forgiveness when it is incredibly difficult for me to do so for myself. I don’t know about you, but nothing makes me feel like I’m getting it all wrong than when I have a meltdown (this is not the same as a tantrum; autistics are sometimes overwhelmed by circumstances, sensory things, or emotions) or when I throw a tantrum over something small (yes, here I mean tantrum, the likes of almost any toddler on the toy aisle who’s been told, no).

But ever since our girls were those tantruming toddlers or melty autistic children and tweens, I have always actively made amends for my poor choices and behavior before expecting them to do likewise. And, now, here we are, with teens who recognize the struggles of another person and respond (most of the time) with compassion and empathy. They love me with a well-spring of unconditional and grace-filled love.

Let’s face it. Being human and navigating this world is not easy nor is it simple. The journey is fraught with pitfalls and stupid choices and a desperate need for mercy and grace. Parenting teenagers provides me the opportunity to work on extending grace and making amends. Love covers a multitude of mistakes and angry words and snarky attitudes. But it can only do that when we practice it as the action it is intended to be. 

Every single day we have choices to make. Loving my teenagers is one of the easiest and also one of the more challenging choices I get to make each day. When I put love in action, when I am active in repairing or building upon the relationship with my teenagers, I get to experience something real and profound and edifying. I get to experience love as God intended it, and that is worth every effort I pour into these extraordinary human beings.