When I was in my mid- to late-twenties, I drove from Connecticut to Maine to visit a college friend. Given that I am in my 50s, there were no cell phones and so there were no map apps by which to navigate to my destination. Because I’d never been to her place before, I soon got lost, but, having spotted a UPS truck, for whatever odd reason my mind conjured up in the moment, I decided to follow that truck in the hopes that doing so would assist me in regaining my bearings and finding my way. As I’m sure you’ve already figured it, it did not, and I soon found myself hunting for a payphone with which I could call my friend and have her guide me back onto the path I had veered from.
Let me add here, that I am not someone who does well with getting lost, and, therefore, I tend to try and avoid doing so at all costs. Obviously, this is not always possible, and I am learning in wee, tiny baby steps to handle this acute discomfort with a wee bit more grace. Suffice it to say, it is a long process and I definitely am a work in progress in this area of my life.
As I considered my parenting journey recently, I found myself reflecting on all the “UPS trucks” I’ve followed along the way—whether those trucks were the well-meaning advice of a family member or friend, the unsolicited words of a stranger, the well-intended suggestions of a professional (doctor, “autism specialist,” or ill-informed therapy provider). When it comes to parenting, so often we parents don’t trust ourselves and look to others to guide us or even tell us what we’re doing wrong, and there are plenty of people who will gladly point what what they believe you are doing wrong, especially if you are doing things that look vastly different to what they did or would do in your circumstances.
What I have learned again and again is that I truly am an expert on my kids who are now teenagers. This doesn’t mean that I tend to do everything right, but it does mean that I have the ability to look into their lives from different angles and support them in different ways. Doing this has become easier as they have entered their teen years because they have a greater ability to lend insight into their circumstances and shine a light on their needs in ways they weren’t able to do as younger children. It has also become easier because my husband and I have worked diligently to lay a foundation that provides lines of open communication with our teenagers.
Even more, we are reaping the benefits of the counseling each teenager is engaged in at this time. Although we are not a part of their therapy sessions, our girls and their therapists are good about letting us know what they are talking about and working on and therefore providing us with even more tools with which we can support these remarkable young women. As I watch the progress each of them is making and as I measure that progress against where we all started, I am so grateful for the folks we have on each girl’s team. It took us a while to find these unicorns of counselors among the counselors available—people who are top-notch at what they do, but, even more, have formed a relationship with our girls and fostered a safe space within which each girl can explore their needs, inner voice, and the challenges they experience.
The insight they gain in this process is the wisdom with which I am able to better parent each of them. Again, I don’t always get it right and there are plenty of places for improvement within me. Still, I don’t feel as deeply uncomfortable when I stumble or get lost on this journey. Instead, aside from talking about things with my husband, we are able to engage in real conversations with our girls. They probably don’t realize it, but their willingness to share a topic they explored or a conversation they had with their counselor is like the mapping app in my phone, helping me to navigate their path alongside them better. Each time I reflect on these things, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and a deep sense of joy knowing that these two incredible young women are learning the things they need to find their way in this world. I am so proud of each of them for the hard work they are doing for themselves.