When it comes to connection and conversation, some of the ones that tend to stick with me, imprinting themselves on my heart, are the ones that develop in unexpected, unplanned moments. There is something about these spontaneous moments that invites a heart to heart connection that is neither forced nor anticipated. They begin in a familiar way, a teenager settling in her usual spot or draping herself across a cushioned arm chair, but as their mama, I feel a different kind of energy settle around the room, around us. Sometimes I am slower to notice, slower to put my phone down, slower to tune in. Other times my heart is quick to shift, sensing their heart before their words break the silence between us.
Sometimes, it’s easier to spot in their eyes, a look that is heavier, shadowed, a look that carries a sense of uncertainty and longing. That longing is the heart’s language and my heart responds more quickly than my mind. When they begin to speak, there might be a quiver in their voice or there may be a halting, a stammering, that says I have something important to share and I need your attention. Your undivided attention.
All indications speak to a heart to heart connection and I will myself to pause, to await their words, the ones unspoken that I know will break the surface of this conversation if I give them my time and attention. Sometimes I wade gently into the waters with a gentle question, a prodding, inviting them in and letting them know this is the safe space they seek. Admittedly, it is not easy to wait nor is it easy to hold in my own words, my need to get to the core of what’s on their mind more quickly, even immediately once I sense their heart’s longing, the intensity of their emotions.
But I am learning that it is in the waiting where the true connection will happen. That is where their heart will find mine and so letting them lead, letting them wind their way to the place at their pace and on their terms is the best thing I can offer them. It is in this space where I can catch their tears and hold their hearts. And listen. Listening is not easy because I want to fix their problem and I want them to hear my wisdom, my advice, my words. But I am learning that they need my attentiveness more than my advice. They need my heart more than my voice. Because when I offer them these things, their hearts speak more than even their words.
Like me, sometimes they struggle to find the words to capture their thoughts and convey their emotions, their needs, their hearts’ desires. Words are only a part of this incredible connection in these unplanned moments. Eventually, as words pour from them, the distance between us closes until they are beside me, my arm around a shoulder or rubbing a back or stroking hair. Eventually, our hearts are touching and all the things they’ve been holding, carrying longer than they needed or wanted to, become a shared burden.
These moments are not always somber, serious connections. Heart to heart moments open doors to dreams and joy as well. And I have come to understand, to recognize, that in order to honor their hearts and minds and the tangle of words, I need to let them lead the way. This is both a familiar and unfamiliar way for us. It is familiar because ever since they were young we have encouraged them to speak their mind and we have engaged in a child-led approach to various activities, letting them have a say in the things that matter. To be honest, this often felt easier when they were younger; and that’s perhaps why it is unfamiliar, too.
At times it feels unfamiliar to surrender control to my teenagers, to let them direct the conversation, to question things I’ve said, to express their own perspective rather than to talk and talk and talk, expressing my thoughts and ideas and perspective. But, again, I am learning that staying connected with my teens requires that surrender. It requires more listening than talking. In fact, I think the unfamiliar discomfort is actually surrendering to myself, willing myself to focus on their words and not forming my response while they are speaking. I miss too many things that way and I am deeply invested in nurturing these heart to heart moments by doing what doesn’t always come naturally to me.
As I have done this more, I have learned that I come to a deeper understanding of the things my teenagers are dealing with and what matters to them. As I continue to practice tuning in, I am realizing that these spontaneous connections happen more often. Each time, my girls provide me an opportunity to hear their hearts and to appreciate just how remarkable these two young women truly are. And that brings great joy to my heart every time.