Sometimes, asking for help can feel like one of the hardest things in this world to do. Well, maybe except for accepting help when it’s offered. Because I don’t know about you, but letting someone lend me a hand can make me feel like I’m weak or vulnerable. Mind you, I actually want the help and even lament the lack of help. But, when it’s offered, I also tend to refuse the assistance extended to me. Weird, I know, but I’m being honest.
Ironically, one of the things I think parents note to themselves is the lack of participation from our kids, when they’re younger (because their help doesn’t feel like help but an extension of the chore, project, or mess) or when they’re older, like teenagers (because even their smallest efforts feel like a burden of attitude, slouchiness, or opposition). When it comes to enlisting the help of our teens, it’s an age-old conundrum: we want and need help around the house, but we tend either to grit our teeth and do it mostly on our own or find ourselves locked in stalemates and standoffs and arguments where we also grit our teeth and push for their involvement.
Sometimes, however, unicorn moments come into our lives, at least here they do, and when they do, we have to be ready for them. And I am. Ready for them. Or so I think, until one of my unicorn teenagers asks, Do you want help with that? When that question is posed, I realize my response should be to accept the offer of their help. But way too often, I rotely respond, No, thanks, I’ve got this.
Interestingly, and perhaps ironically when considering teenager responses to the grownups in their lives, my teens sometimes respond to my answer with an eye roll. They don’t respond that way because they really had their hearts set on helping me (though that may be true), but because they are all too familiar with the mama-of-the-house rap-rant they’ve heard when I’m having a not-so-good day. Yep, they’ve listened to me lament and tantrum and otherwise complain that, I have to do every. thing, or that, no. one. in. this. house. does. any. thing. ever.
But, here’s the truth—that is a lie, or, at the very least, an exaggeration.
Here’s another truth—my teenagers will call me out when they make an offer of help I shouldn’t refuse, but too often do. As I mentioned in a previous post, we encourage our girls to question authority, including ours, and sometimes that looks like a teenager pointing out that I complain no one helps out around the house and that I do everything myself, but when we offer to help, you say no.
Talk about speaking some truth in love.
And, while we’re on the subject of truth, accepting help truly is difficult for me, in part because there’s that little gremlin that lives inside my head and whispers that no one else is going to do things the way I do. If that’s not hard enough to deal with, the gremlin likes to heap on additional ridiculous things, like it won’t be done right (right? what does that even mean, little gremlin?) or you’re going to end up having to redo the thing or it’s going to take to long to explain how to do the thing or, or, or, or—you get the picture.
The thing is, when someone helps me, it frees me up to focus on other ideas and projects, and that’s what matters, truly matters. That’s why I take my teens at their words and when they ask me, do you want some help with that? I say yes more often. Because more than a perfectly performed task, I want time to do things my heart longs to do. More than feeling exhausted or annoyed because of the chores that need to be done, I want to appreciate my girls. I want them to grow in their confidence and abilities, and I want us all to understand how working together and getting tasks done together allows us the opportunity to enjoy other, more fun things together.