As I sat at my computer this afternoon, I noticed that the battery image at the top of my screen showed that the laptop was indeed plugged into the power adapter, but that it was not charging. Having had issues in the past with some of my Macbooks, I hovered over the image and read, Charging On Hold. There is an option to have the computer continue charging so the battery is full, but because the computer has determined that nothing is currently using any significant energy, there appears to be little reason to choose that option. As I considered these things, I found myself thinking that somehow this is all somehow a metaphor for life. At least for my life anyway.
Maybe it’s because too often in recent days I have found myself speaking some version of the phrase, Whew! I’m tired. Apparently I’ve said these words and phrases enough that my girls anticipate them and I’ve been asking myself when did I decide I was sooo old, always so tired and perpetually weary? And the thing is, I don’t think that’s actually what’s going on. Not really. What I think is the more I say these words to myself, the more I believe them to be true about me. And my life.
Several years ago I heard a song by Tenth Avenue North that spoke into my circumstances. Titled Worn, the song is a lament similar to some of the psalms of David. The song narrator sings about being tired and worn out from the basic aspects of life, breathing, praying, trying to make it through the day.
I’m tired, I’m worn / My heart is heavy / From the work it takes / To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes / I’ve let my hope fail / My soul feels crushed / By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest / So I cry out with all that I have left
The lament continues with these words:
My prayers are wearing thin / I’m worn / Even before the day begins / I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight / I’m worn / So Heaven come and flood my eyes
During that period in my life, I played this song pretty much on repeat and it helped me then. The song’s lament was my lament because I couldn’t find words to pray. But I’m not in that place any longer and I am not the person now either. And, yet, it can be really easy to fall into familiar ideas and thought patterns if we are not careful. Life can be hard, even stressful, but that doesn’t have to translate into those familiar lyrics for me—again. A part of me wants to put that song on repeat and cry out with my own lament, feeling tired and worn even while I declare that I’m tired.
But I don’t want to be that person.
Maybe that’s why something about my computer’s battery charge has me thinking differently. Weird, but true. I realize the truth of my own words, the one I share with my teenagers quite regularly: that even when we don’t have control over anything else in this world, we still have complete control over our thoughts, over our choices, over our responses. In the same way I can click on the option to Charge to Full Now in the battery dialog box, I have the option to consider my thoughts. Even to take them captive and reframe them (this is both scriptural and also something plenty of self-help gurus teach).
One of the awesome things about each of these girls is that they will call me out when they see me doing things that go against what I’m always telling them. They will point out when I need to heed my own advice. Sometimes that may come in explicit ways, like when my 17 year old says something that begins with the words, aren’t you always telling us or you should listen to your own advice.
Having kids who listen is both a blessing and a curse in those moments. But I am grateful to know my words are taking root in them, in their minds. And so I will take the calling out when it comes. I will hear them in my mind reminding me I am in control of my thoughts, and then I will consider whether I am truly worn or whether maybe my battery charge is on hold because nothing is actually draining my energy except me and my thoughts. I’m going to consider that a bit more, and I’ll get back to you.