When my girls were very young, they were almost always in my line of sight. Whether they were reading or watching a movie (at the time it tended to be on one of our laptop screens) or playing, they were within glancing-up-at-them distance. I don’t know if they were as aware of me as I was of them at that age or not, but during those years they were as likely to be where I was than not. When the tween years approached, a shift began, and they began disappearing into their own spaces. By the time the teen years took hold, they were in full teenager mode and ensconced in their room behind closed doors quite often—a big difference from those early childhood years.
Having observed our oldest, who retreated for many hours each day over the course of the day but has since taken to dividing her time between her room and the shared living room space, I have no doubt that at some point the youngest will also once again spend time in each space, if not equal time, perhaps a good enough amount of time with us as without us. Clearly, this is one of those rites of passage that all teenagers experience. I remember my own desire for isolation, wanting to spend more time away from the typical family activities so I could focus on the things that interested or fascinated me at that time. Thusly, I do not begrudge either of my girls this time in their life when they prefer to be in the comfort of their own space.
Even so, I employ a bit of effort to check in with each of them throughout the day and that can look different depending on when I’ve last seen their faces. Sometimes, I simply pass through the hallway outside their closed bedroom doors and take a moment to knock and peer in at them in an exaggerated sort of way just to say hey and ask them what they’re up to. Other times it might be a text from me downstairs, as I pause my own work for a few moments, to them upstairs in their rooms. Every now and then I simply wander upstairs and peer inside the partially opened door of my youngest; sometimes she notices and sometimes she doesn’t.
This tends to be how our afternoons go these days. We spend the mornings together doing breakfast followed by our unschooling things, which are fairly relaxed on these summer days. Eventually, when we reach one of the breaks in activity, we all head our separate ways. But, as I’ve come to realize, this is definitely age-appropriate behavior for neurodivergent teens as well as neurotypical ones. Part of the growing up process involves separating from the parents’ constant supervision. Part of the separation process involves wanting to spend time outside our company.
But, what I’ve also begun to realize is that eventually they make a conscious decision to rekindle the connection on their own terms mainly because they want to, not because we’ve asked them to or because they feel obligated to do so. But because they genuinely enjoy our company. And that has been a wonderful discovery for all of us, I think. I love that we come together at various points of the day after we’ve each taken time to do our own things. I like that we get to have deeper conversations and spend time in each other’s company just because we enjoy doing so. In my creative-infused imagination, I refer to this new phase as the shape shifting of parenting.
We are a family who love fantasy stories and fairy tales. We love stories involving mythical and magical creatures, especially dragons and ethereal beings, including shape shifters like selkies, mermaids, werewolves and mythical-based characters like Loki. So, as I considered this shift in the ways we parent now versus when our girls were younger, the idea of the shape shifting of parenting seems fitting. I find that we are modifying and adapting to the different needs teenagers have, providing them their space and their freedom as they explore new ideas and spend time alone or with each other. And, when they wander their way back to our company, we make ourselves available to tune into them and to listen.
As they explore more about who they are and what they’re interested in, I love being invited to get to know these growing, changing, and remarkable young women. I love discovering who they are alongside them. My hope is that they are comfortable exploring wherever that leads, always knowing we are here to support and encourage them no matter what. Those of us further along this path called life know the challenges and the discomfort the teen years can bring. It is my hope our girls will grow to feel comfortable in their own skin and as their own people. And, until they do, I am happy to be available to remind them of just how truly amazing they each are. That part of parenting will never shift or change.